I can’t sleep even though I took a sleep aid at 10 pm and turned all devices off at midnight.

It’s almost 2 now and my mind is a buzz with thoughts. Drifting in and out, awakening memories of past people in my life who for some strange reason I still care about despite the hurt they caused, and I in return.

Sometimes the ones we love are the ones that hurt us the most and despite the pain and scars left in their wake we still love and cherish the good memories.

If I want forgiveness from others for the hurt I have caused in the past I must in return give my blind faith or in this case forgiveness.

I have come to accept that certain people who I choose to offer my heart in my hands to may hurt me even if it’s not their intention, for that’s just who they are and how they react to certain emotions or situations when their back is against the wall.

I have come to accept that I can not change them no matter how hard I try, or how angry or hurt I may be. Only they have the power to change themselves.

It is with that realization that I openly offered my friendship and unbeknownst at that time my heart. It wasn’t until they decided to exit without warning this second time from life after asking for my forgiveness that I really realized that they infact had grown and changed quite a bit as had I and was still doing when they made their exit.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t hurt when they completely just one day disappeared from my life but then when I think about it and our last interaction and what was going on in both of our lives that I only now truly understand that they at the time did the best that they could at that time, and in a strange was we had our last hurrah and silently unrealizing it were saying goodbye.

I also realize that with the blurred lines of our newfound friendship and the even more tangled unspoken intimate relationship that prehaps I was the one that hurt them unintentionally this time around… it’s all very confusing and that’s ok. As I’ve said everything happens for a reason and I really can’t be mad.

It’s just that I had thought I had been clear when we began to see eachother again after them begging to come back into my life saying they’d changed and were a better person that I wanted to stay friends and not have them walk out on me like the last time and so I did let them in and despite my best efforts to keep the line drawn…I think the lines of of our relationship blurred into areas that neither of us were prepared for. It kinda makes sense why they ghosted the way they did.

Honestly I didn’t realize until years later when I reached out a third time just how much I’d missed the friendship we had developed that last time around before it suddenly vanished that I realized how deeply they’d been affected and why they chose to walk away at that time.

But it was this third time of them completely walking away that actually hurt hurt me on a level that I’d never felt before in this relationship of push amd pull that we’ve been playing for the past 12+ years.

It’s been 4 years since we became friends again for a few months before they disappeared again without a good bye and tonight I couldn’t take it anymore. They’ve been on my mind lately..as you can well see by this post.

Franky As much as we hurt each other in the past, I still find them on my mind and still care deeply for this person and I think that on some level I always will I mean sure we’ll never be in a relationship again but I will always hold a place in my heart and soul for them after everything.

If I’d never said to them “hey I like your shoes” that night.. then I would be a completely different person in a very different place than who I am now and as I think about that I know that I’d be a very sad and lonely person so in all honesty I’m very glad for having met them and having them be a part of this amazing jrouney I’ve been on in my life.

But I’m not that sad and lonely little girl and it’s only because of that one catalytic moment that our paths crossed that my life was changed forever and for the best in the end.

I became a better person. I was able to get out of a horrible mess that I had allowed myself to stumble into and be held captive. It was because of one moment commenting on the shoes of a stranger that I would begin on a long tumultuous road of self discovery to rebuild myself.

I realize that while I was rebuilding myself to become my truest self that this person who came in and out of my life several times truly in their own strange way helped me to really see that I deserved to be happy and to be whole.

Mabye this is just me overthinking and giving them too much credit.. but you know what… This is my story and my life and I’m going to choose to see the positive despite the negitives.

It’s been 4 years since last we spoke and I am still changing and finding myself, becoming my truest self and I welcome this inner growth. I am deeply greatful for all that this person has made me experience since I met them and tonight I sent out a message thanking them for being a part if this insane jrouney and told them I wish them the best and should they need I’m always here to listen or talk.

I don’t expect a reply… rather I needed to send my gratitude over the Data stream with an image of me truly smiling and radiating joy. Something that I wasn’t able to do for many years.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes years to fully digest and see the reason why that person was put in your path in the first place… sometimes you have to learn humility and you have to forgive yourself so that you can forgive them and so that you both can grow beyond the people that you were when you met. Sometimes you each have to hit your lowest low so that you can build yourself up to be a better person.

Sidecar at the speak easy, sake bars and then stumbling home in the rain laughing, hashbrowns, and curling up with my heater are just some of the memories I will always treasure. The man in a can and a heater to my soul when I was freezing and alone. Thank you for all of those, and in a strange way thank you for hurting me.. because without that I wouldn’t have learned to become stronger. I wouldn’t be who I am today. A bright and bueatiful woman who knows what she brings to the table and isn’t afraid to eat alone.

I don’t have to try to be what I think others want me to be. I don’t have to compromise my integrity or beliefs in hopes of being wanted. I can be perfectly happy with who I am and if people don’t like that they can walk right the fuck out of my life, goodness knows you did on more than one occasion but I understand the reason behind it and still offer my hands outstretched in friendship.

So thank you…I hope that you find your true self because I know inside the scared little boy I met so long ago is someone who deserves to have the inner joy and clarity that I have found.

I hope you learn to love yourself and in return give and receive peace love and happiness.

Not bad for being 42! Who says just cause I’m a grown up I have to wear old people clothes?

You can tell a lot about a person by their booksheves and displays. This is one of mine. It’s in my crative spaces aka office and sometimes bedroom, fir when I need a break away from the family or want to stay up late creating.

Anyway… I thought it might be nice to share some of the toems and reflections of self that i’ve collected over the years. There’s a story in everything.

Prehaps that’s what this post should be? It’s been a while since I’ve done a self introspective post, ah yes why the heck not…. let’s me give you a inner glimpse into the the core, Invited intrusion after all?

We need to normalize the conversation about medical abuse and violation. Never ever is it ok for someone to continue what they are doing when you say stop.

If I go to you for treatment and state you do not want a certain medication used never is it ok for the medical person to use it anyway. That is a violation and is abusive.

If a patient tells you they are in pain never should you aggressively raise your voice or grab them or withhold pain medicine.

If your pacient is crying don’t tell them they’re being difficult and you know better and they should stop being a baby. That’s unacceptable!

If you’ve been a victim please share your story with me. I see you and you are not alone

Who says you can’t look cute while cooking?

A glimpse behind the screen… A quiet moment wearing the one pair of pre pregnancy jeans that I can just barley get zipped. Man I need new pants. Anyone that wants to buy me a pair would be amazing and I would happily do a mini photo shoot and post hehe.. mabye I’ll come back and add a Amazon wish list. 😅

You can’t see it but the top is embroidered over the left breast with the Google Logo and say’s engineering underneath. It also is getting too small. But for around the house I can still get use out of it.

Anyway thought I would share a picture of you myself sitting in my office aka sewing room aka my inner sanctum. I promise I will share more of the room when I finish getting everything more organized.