First off let me just say I’m literally typing blind. I don’t have my glasses on as it’s like 3 am.

Right now all I see are fuzzy blobs of color from the lighted keyboard on my iPad Pro.

Have you ever looked at a typewriter ribbon or a paper after lines and lines of text have been hammered over and over in the same line or space? Yea that’s sorta what my vision looks like bot more Greek when you you’re really and English langue person… ha…

Anyway…so yeah forgive my typing… as I mentioned it’s late at night and I can’t sleep. So much going through my brain. I’ve been finding my thoughts drifting back into places that I really rather wouldn’t like to revisit.. and yet the fact is that I must visit these places in my mind. These memories I loved away because I indeed to know the truth of the dark shadows that lurk in the corners of my dreams, where does reality and fantasy bleed and connect in my sub conscious mind.

Walking upside down to the start of the crack

A crack in the casing, got to keep the contents contained

Contained within a box that I allowed myself to be stuffed into.

Into the fire and out of the void left in my wake.

Sometimes you have to go back to basics. There’s just something about physical, tangible books. I just can’t retain or engage with e-books like I can having read the same thing in print. Was excited to find these online and look forward to re-reading as a adult

Late night thoughts while som·nam·bu·lat·ing under the dark sea of my thoughts

I can’t sleep even though I took a sleep aid at 10 pm and turned all devices off at midnight.

It’s almost 2 now and my mind is a buzz with thoughts. Drifting in and out, awakening memories of past people in my life who for some strange reason I still care about despite the hurt they caused, and I in return.

Sometimes the ones we love are the ones that hurt us the most and despite the pain and scars left in their wake we still love and cherish the good memories.

If I want forgiveness from others for the hurt I have caused in the past I must in return give my blind faith or in this case forgiveness.

I have come to accept that certain people who I choose to offer my heart in my hands to may hurt me even if it’s not their intention, for that’s just who they are and how they react to certain emotions or situations when their back is against the wall.

I have come to accept that I can not change them no matter how hard I try, or how angry or hurt I may be. Only they have the power to change themselves.

It is with that realization that I openly offered my friendship and unbeknownst at that time my heart. It wasn’t until they decided to exit without warning this second time from life after asking for my forgiveness that I really realized that they infact had grown and changed quite a bit as had I and was still doing when they made their exit.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t hurt when they completely just one day disappeared from my life but then when I think about it and our last interaction and what was going on in both of our lives that I only now truly understand that they at the time did the best that they could at that time, and in a strange was we had our last hurrah and silently unrealizing it were saying goodbye.

I also realize that with the blurred lines of our newfound friendship and the even more tangled unspoken intimate relationship that prehaps I was the one that hurt them unintentionally this time around… it’s all very confusing and that’s ok. As I’ve said everything happens for a reason and I really can’t be mad.

It’s just that I had thought I had been clear when we began to see eachother again after them begging to come back into my life saying they’d changed and were a better person that I wanted to stay friends and not have them walk out on me like the last time and so I did let them in and despite my best efforts to keep the line drawn…I think the lines of of our relationship blurred into areas that neither of us were prepared for. It kinda makes sense why they ghosted the way they did.

Honestly I didn’t realize until years later when I reached out a third time just how much I’d missed the friendship we had developed that last time around before it suddenly vanished that I realized how deeply they’d been affected and why they chose to walk away at that time.

But it was this third time of them completely walking away that actually hurt hurt me on a level that I’d never felt before in this relationship of push amd pull that we’ve been playing for the past 12+ years.

It’s been 4 years since we became friends again for a few months before they disappeared again without a good bye and tonight I couldn’t take it anymore. They’ve been on my mind lately..as you can well see by this post.

Franky As much as we hurt each other in the past, I still find them on my mind and still care deeply for this person and I think that on some level I always will I mean sure we’ll never be in a relationship again but I will always hold a place in my heart and soul for them after everything.

If I’d never said to them “hey I like your shoes” that night.. then I would be a completely different person in a very different place than who I am now and as I think about that I know that I’d be a very sad and lonely person so in all honesty I’m very glad for having met them and having them be a part of this amazing jrouney I’ve been on in my life.

But I’m not that sad and lonely little girl and it’s only because of that one catalytic moment that our paths crossed that my life was changed forever and for the best in the end.

I became a better person. I was able to get out of a horrible mess that I had allowed myself to stumble into and be held captive. It was because of one moment commenting on the shoes of a stranger that I would begin on a long tumultuous road of self discovery to rebuild myself.

I realize that while I was rebuilding myself to become my truest self that this person who came in and out of my life several times truly in their own strange way helped me to really see that I deserved to be happy and to be whole.

Mabye this is just me overthinking and giving them too much credit.. but you know what… This is my story and my life and I’m going to choose to see the positive despite the negitives.

It’s been 4 years since last we spoke and I am still changing and finding myself, becoming my truest self and I welcome this inner growth. I am deeply greatful for all that this person has made me experience since I met them and tonight I sent out a message thanking them for being a part if this insane jrouney and told them I wish them the best and should they need I’m always here to listen or talk.

I don’t expect a reply… rather I needed to send my gratitude over the Data stream with an image of me truly smiling and radiating joy. Something that I wasn’t able to do for many years.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes years to fully digest and see the reason why that person was put in your path in the first place… sometimes you have to learn humility and you have to forgive yourself so that you can forgive them and so that you both can grow beyond the people that you were when you met. Sometimes you each have to hit your lowest low so that you can build yourself up to be a better person.

Sidecar at the speak easy, sake bars and then stumbling home in the rain laughing, hashbrowns, and curling up with my heater are just some of the memories I will always treasure. The man in a can and a heater to my soul when I was freezing and alone. Thank you for all of those, and in a strange way thank you for hurting me.. because without that I wouldn’t have learned to become stronger. I wouldn’t be who I am today. A bright and bueatiful woman who knows what she brings to the table and isn’t afraid to eat alone.

I don’t have to try to be what I think others want me to be. I don’t have to compromise my integrity or beliefs in hopes of being wanted. I can be perfectly happy with who I am and if people don’t like that they can walk right the fuck out of my life, goodness knows you did on more than one occasion but I understand the reason behind it and still offer my hands outstretched in friendship.

So thank you…I hope that you find your true self because I know inside the scared little boy I met so long ago is someone who deserves to have the inner joy and clarity that I have found.

I hope you learn to love yourself and in return give and receive peace love and happiness.

Spin spin sugar!

Not bad for being 42! Who says just cause I’m a grown up I have to wear old people clothes?

Frazzled and flushed

I’m frazzled and flushed. It’s 5 am and I can’t sleep. As you can see my skin in flushed from a mast cell attack and all I can do is ride it out. As I lay here my mind is fat with thoughts. Trying not to get lost in the labyrinth but I fear I already took the wrong turn at the border of rain on the rooftop.

Tap tap metallic sounds on the ceiling as the rain pours down on our Tesla rooftop.

The room devoid of heat and I’m huddled under the blankets, blankly staring out at the darkness. Music between my headphones acting as a sonic disruption enabling me to stay teathered to the hear and now as my thoughts swell like the gutters outside my window.

I made the mistake of switching to the music I made about 9 years ago when my life was in a state of transitioning.

A lot of them are raw but for that they make up in the emotion dripping out from me, not just in the lyrics but the sonics and power of my voice.

Ah..see I told you I’m lost in the labyrinth of my own mind. The deeper I go the more the layers fall away.

That’s one of the things about listening to the music that I’ve min… I literally feel the sensation I was feeling as I sang them….

Some people write a jrounal or blog..such as I’m doing now.. but back then my jrounal was making these songs as I transition from one point to another. I’ll continue more later…. I promise.

Right now I’m going to hit publish and try to see if I can fall asleep so I’m not a grumpy mess when family stops by this afternoon.

Till we speak again my dear reader… good night

Lost in my own thoughts at 3 am

Been lost in thoughts. Swirling in and out of a trance like state. One foot in the here and now and my soul drifting back to the past.

So many things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.

For so long it was as if I was somnambulating under the dark sea, lost in the labyrinth of my own mind.

It took me nearly 30 years to start to break free of the net I found wrapped around me. And the next 12 to slowly come to terms with all that has happened in my life.

So much pain and trauma. I wish so much that I’d have found this balance and calm when I was in my teens rather than as an adult, but here I am.

I had to grieve so many things to find my serinity and once I found that I had to painstakingly figure out what defined me internally and externally.

As a kid I always tried to fit it but never could fully commit, there always was a little bit of “me” in the mix.

So now I’m taking those little bits and rebuilding myself into a reflection of who I truly am.

That’s kinda why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted to be able to post my raw thoughts and pictures etc without judgement.

Time to get back to the start.. 2022 is my year.

Just discovered the game #gris for Nintendo switch. In love definitely made for people with #synesthesia or whoare #empaths #hsp very calming and relaxing. It’s been awhile but the gamer girl in me is coming back out. What’s another game you recommend for me to try?

Been stuck in a box & clawed my way out. Trying 2 find new perspective. Never thought I’d find myself in a situation like this till I woke up one day & didn’t recognize myself. Realizing in that moment that I had been gaslighted & must rediscover what defines my inner core.

Back to the start

One of my favorite pictures from the past. I’m pondering going back to this style haircut. Thoughts?

Just a DarkSparkle Orbiting in the sky

Birthday cake!

I can cook just about anything but I’m not a baker. However I made and exception and attempted a birthday cake for my daughter who turns 7 the day after Thanksgiving. She mostly decorated it and she loves it. Kinda looks like a festive fruit cake.🤣🤣🤣 But taste way better.

Crushing on this honey birdette set. Style: kukuro in the color blush. I wish someone would get me a gift card so I could purchase and do some sexy but tasteful pictures and post for y’all. If I were to design a set that encompasses what makes up my persona it would look very similar to this. 🥰

Lost in translation

You can tell a lot about a person by their booksheves and displays. This is one of mine. It’s in my crative spaces aka office and sometimes bedroom, fir when I need a break away from the family or want to stay up late creating.

Anyway… I thought it might be nice to share some of the toems and reflections of self that i’ve collected over the years. There’s a story in everything.

Prehaps that’s what this post should be? It’s been a while since I’ve done a self introspective post, ah yes why the heck not…. let’s me give you a inner glimpse into the the core, Invited intrusion after all?

Unlock the silence

Swirling trying to stay afloat.. don’t even know my own reflection or body.

Parts I know, others foreign.. invaders… Scars documents of abuse left on skin,bone,teeth and soul

Misguided trust… abused..unbelived. alone hurting

Silent street, silent house, and community.

Blind… eyes turned away. Away in shame, in disgust and disbelief. They turn their backs.

Back to the abusers where victims are silenced with shame and a never ending cycle of abuse.

Stop medical/dental abuse!

We need to normalize the conversation about medical abuse and violation. Never ever is it ok for someone to continue what they are doing when you say stop.

If I go to you for treatment and state you do not want a certain medication used never is it ok for the medical person to use it anyway. That is a violation and is abusive.

If a patient tells you they are in pain never should you aggressively raise your voice or grab them or withhold pain medicine.

If your pacient is crying don’t tell them they’re being difficult and you know better and they should stop being a baby. That’s unacceptable!

If you’ve been a victim please share your story with me. I see you and you are not alone

Lost in the labyrinth of my own mind.

So the first thing I must tell you dear reader is to forgive the rawness of my vocals on this. It was recorded in one single take and was emotional at hte time which can be heard in my voice. The words came into my head as I sang them. It was a very painful time in my life but I also grew beyond my own self. Sometimes you have to take a detour in life to get where you are going. Sometimes you will also find amazing treasure along the path of that detour. I hope you will enjoy this song. The music is by the band “MONO” but the vocals and loops of vocals to create the whispers etc are all of my own self and arrangement.

Lyrics:

What’s that you say my dear?

For so long I was slumbering.

Lost in the labyrinth of my own mind.

They held me down underthe water.

Baby broke the surface, aged 10 years in 2 months.

She’s living proof, she’s the super nova.

Intoxicating aroma from skin.

She looks out from under heavy lashes.

Pull off my wings I am just the the dragon fly.

I break the surface of the water, to taste my first breath.

Taste the the air in my lungs, I’m breathing.

I’m living on my own for the very first time.

You can’t try and pin me down.

I’m not your specimen

I’m not yours to cut up

Flutter off into the shy, I’m flying.

I’m flying free

Oh watch me go, let me go.

You can not keep me captive any more.

Just let me go.

Let me fly AWAY.

You put my soul in your pipe and smoked it.

I won’t be your elixir.

I’ll burn you out from the inside.

I’ll trunt to some that you can never touch.

I took and painted over the picture that we had.

I don’t want be with you, I’m not doll for you to play with.

Chatter an original song by Darksparkle

Everything arranged and done by me using garage band so so long ago. There’s a deeper story behind this.. but I’m not sure if I’m ready to share it with anyone besides the man stuck in a can. It’s funny how some of the shittiest times in my life brought forth the most creativity. For so long I would have given anything to not be that.. and now that I’m vanilla and balanced… I’m kind of like wait a minute where’d the muse go???

Who says you can’t look cute while cooking?

I miss you my friend

Found this card from you from highschool…I miss talking to you. It’s not fair you’re gone, too young!

A view behind the screen

A glimpse behind the screen… A quiet moment wearing the one pair of pre pregnancy jeans that I can just barley get zipped. Man I need new pants. Anyone that wants to buy me a pair would be amazing and I would happily do a mini photo shoot and post hehe.. mabye I’ll come back and add a Amazon wish list. 😅

You can’t see it but the top is embroidered over the left breast with the Google Logo and say’s engineering underneath. It also is getting too small. But for around the house I can still get use out of it.

Anyway thought I would share a picture of you myself sitting in my office aka sewing room aka my inner sanctum. I promise I will share more of the room when I finish getting everything more organized.

Late night musings on self identity and navigation of the labyrinth of my own mind

It’s been a while since I posted. There’s a lot going on in my headspace. I’m not even sure where to begin or even if I want to….

It’s a slippery slope and the way down is fast and quite painful if I misstep as I navigate my way though.

For so long I was lost inside myself, fractured a scared little girl. Out of sheer self-preservation I allowed my own mind to splinter and take on the different persona/s needed to shield my inner CoRe from pain and trauma weather real, imagined, sometimes present or other times past and oftentimes mixed with bleed through.

Sometimes I would be like a silent passenger behind my eyes unable to control the words coming out of my mouth, unable to stop my body from it’s action.

Other times I would suddenly find myself back in reality with no idea of how I got there and trying to quickly asses the situation as my fight or flight response kicks in. Sometimes coming to bloody with my abuser stranding above me.

Eventually I would come to a have permanent semi shared conciseness that I mentioned in the beginning. It was through that, I could go in and dissect these personality fragments and understand what need or trauma created them so that I could now reintegrate them back into myself. Which I would do painstakingly over the next several years.

Are you confused yet? Ha! I am and I’m the one who went through all this…and now finds herself going back, and sifting through the memories and emotions left over that have bubbled back up. I know I must address these things before they gain the momentum and crush me under their weight. You see it’s never simple or easy, just because I Having gained control in the hear and now doesn’t mean that my biggest fear isn’t still that loss of control.

To learn to let one’s self relax fully with out loosing control can be difficult. Yes I need to learn to relax but with a health dose of moderation, you see that’s what I’m working on slowly these days.

I’m find that it’s not all black and white, you see I don’t have to drink the whole bottle or indulge in those “metaphorical” back to back glasses of wine. Yes let’s call it wine. Moderation is the key to everything, you see I can take the evening and/or afternoon and spread it out, not too much just enough to unclench my inner fists and yet still retain control.

I think I’m finally getting ready to dye my hair. It’s a big huge step in this retransformation that I’m going through. Just the act of changing your hair cut or color can completely change your persona both internally and externally. So it’s one that I have to think carefully about. Am I doing this drastic change for the right reasons? Am I trying to hide or escape something in my life, or am I doing it because I want to express that which is my inner core? These are the things that I have to carefully weigh and think about.

Sorry drifted off earlier into the void between my ears.. anyway I am back now. Sitting in front of my computer in my home office space. I’m lucky enough that I can keep a room just for myself. I just spent the last half hour trying to get my crappy speakers to work after moving them and my turntable from one side of the room to the other. Anyhow it’s working now, so I’m listening to records and hanging some posters and unframed art prints. Starting to really get happy with my room. It’s not quite there cause I’m not allowed to paint my walls but meh I’ll figure out something. I’m thinking about hanging one of my family quilts on the wall instead to cover the yucky ecru walls.

Any way my lovely reader It’s near 3 am and I really should try to get some sleep. Till next time.