Taking some time off. Need to get my priorities adjusted. Be back soon

Been feeling super depressed latley, so in a effort to bring my spirits up, I decided to some light make up.

It actually came out pretty good. I’ve been playing with this blush and bronzer pallet but using it as a all over face/contour palette. I have been having histamine flares which causes red flushing so I have to go about make-up a little bit different in terms of color.

It’s a work in progress but hey not bad.

Been getting my curl on

Trying to peel back the layers

Expose the person underneath the years of neglect

Eradicate the fear and doubt that she allowed to be hammered into her, one at a time.

Like a sharp spike biting into her spine, as she unknowingly allowed them to hammer her in place, locking her up inside of a box.

The truth is…

She is me.

I’m the one who allowed myself to be smothered.

The first step is to realize what was done, so that I can take the steps to slowly get back to who I really am.

Time to undo the years of programming pounded into me.

I am worthy and I am more than they ever gave me credit for.

Could you even look me in the eyes if I was right in front of you?

Would you welcome me with a hug or just turn the other way like you didn’t even know who I was?

The red string is still connected even if we both went in different directions, and I accept that.

I feel it tugging at my wrist as my thoughts are transported down the information superhighway.

So far away and yet right here with me. This is the esoteric reality of my life.

So much discord. I’m on the end of this cycle around. It’s almost time to start over from scratch taking all these experiences and making my final turn around the wheel so that I can reach enlightenment and stop the cycle on this plane.

Got myself some bracelets and crystal stuff. I used to wear them all the time. It definitely feels good to be getting back to myself.

Holy hell am I hurting… thankfully I have a steroid injection scheduled.

Sitting in the doctor office waiting for her to come in and discuss what area we want to inject. I have 3 major spots flaring up do idk.

I’d rather oral steroids but I just had a round in January, so instead I will do this probable hip injection. I’m also going to ask if we can do imaging for my neck cause things aren’t better.. but that’s also a slippery slope cuz it could mean surgery and well I’m not going down that thought path right now… But yeah images and asking for zofran.

Of course I forgot my dog stepped on a bee 🤣🤣🤣 just kidding… But l forgot my cane and the stupid waiting room chair locked me up in pain. Currently waiting for the doctor and laying on my back scrunched up in agony.

Oh wait… just got part of my back to crack. That felt good for a few minutes but the pain is slowly returning as it usually does. It’s 4:25 and the apmt Was schedule for 3:40

(whoops)

Never finished this. I didn’t get out until 5 pm 🤦🏼‍♀️. Yeah 2 injection but hey it’s something.

How does one begin to describe this persona?

She feels like a skin walker and I spouse she is of some sort.

She feels akward in this body, not sure how to hold herself. There’s a softness about her akward gestures. Like a child almost, reaching out in wonder at the world around her.

She stumbles softly through life as she takes the time to pay attention to the little things that draw her attention.

She likes to feel the earth beneath her feet and is jovial when she feels the earth beneath her toes and smiles when she sees her footprints behind her.

She knows where she came from but the destination is unknown to her. She’s happiest when she can wander and explore.

She’s like the flower in the vase don’t try and put her on the shelf, her key needs winding up to function properly.

Let her fly freely like the sparrow the she is, a starling singing out her story as she makes her way.

Pulled out one of my designer tops because it was hot while I was moving furniture around last night.

I’m still yup 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s 5:30 am and my fucking brain won’t shut off. It’s like… Nope I don’t want to go to bed…. But my brain is all I’mma make you stay up and work through some trauma issues. 😬Gee thanks other me.. just what I was looking forward to.

I mean I can’t really be mad at the other me in the alternate reality… they’re right I never delt with it and I’m right to question myself as to why I’m still trying to have communication with the person.

Spent the last night until now 3am moving all the stuff around in my office/bedroom.

Got a good chunk done. I’m wide awake now 🤦🏼‍♀️ but physically my hip is 😬🤬 so I am snuggled in bed binge watching Wharehouse 13. Snuggling with the Santa skull minky throw since I have been thinking about the person who owns the twin to it that I made them a few years ago.

I think it’s because I have been doing a deep dive into myself and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to go in my life. There’s definitely still some unresolved things that I need to work through.

Anyway yeah I think I’m going to go back to watching TV and decompressing. Tomorrow I have more work to do in my room.. but I’ll share pictures when I’m done. Night y’all

Esoteric Realities

I’m thrilled to finally be able to start creating again. I have decided to go back and work on my digital art photography. While I think I have moved beyond the invited intrusion.. I have started a new adventure into the inner parts of my own realities.

Yes plural because wether we openly admit it or not we all have multiple realities we coexist in layered on top of eachother. Some people talk about wearing a mask or putting on your work persona etc.. but it’s more than that.

Anyway here’s some shots that I liked from the other day and felt like sharing. The edited one is the first go at the actual “esoteric realities” collection that I’m going to be working on in the coming months.

Who is this stranger wearing my skin?

She’s missing a heel of her shoe and her bleeding lip complements the black eyes she hides behind her oversized lenses.

Oh were has she been and gone?
This was far worse than mister toads wild ride.

Sometimes you have to get lost so that you can find the proper path to get where you need to go.

American doll, she let her self be one again, and now her age is showing.

Hair falling out and she’s got red crayon marks where they tied her to the radiator.

Hush hush baby no one asked your opinion, be a good girl and bow your head.

Do as the keeper asks of you and all will be well.


I’ll no longer be pushing to twitter. Sorry

Pandora’s bathtub

The call her crazy because she rembers things from another lifetime.

She’s learned to keep her thoughts to herself least they try to drown her like a witch.

That lesson she learned all too well another lifetime ago.

It’s only in the water that her memories and thoughts slow down so that for a moment she can rest.

Pour the Epsom salts in the water so that she may purify body and soul, let her wash away the pain and tears of the daily grind against the human discorse of exstiance.

Let the sage oil drip out of the bottle into the welcoming water below and the arouma waft up to her nose, purifying body and mind.

Don’t shake her, she’s drifting in the astral plane visiting bardo to help those who have not decided which path they want to take.

She’s a old soul, it’s why strangers gravitate to her and confess their secrets.

She carries suitcases of pain housed in her heart, not just hers, but countless others held and sometimes dumped on her, of strangers who seek her out blindly.

She carries these existential suitcases, so that these others can lighten their load and make their next transition in life.

She keeps her heritage hidden from others close to her heart, but still she shares her gifts when others need.

Orbiting…

She’s the super nova in the sky.

She can shine bright like a diamond or swallow you up like a black hole.

People are afraid of strong women like her. Women who hold suit cases of pain in their soul.

She carries not just her own pain, but the stories others have told her in confidence, so that they may unburden them selves.

She shines so that with just a simple smile to a stranger her joy radiates and warms their soul.

People are afraid of women like her. The ones that they don’t understand or can’t contain.

Drown me in the bath water

(Fiction to go with the image)

They found her body in the bathtub. Slumped over her face against the ledge. One eye open and the other lid drooping almost closed.

Her body still warm from the water but the muscles now dead weight and stiff like the body that she now was.

Cause of death they would decide to be….

It’s strange how time moves.
Sometimes so fast and others slow

a single random thing can bring you back into the past

Why do I keep trying to give my heart to people who don’t want it?


I’m human and flawed
I bleed, I cry just like everyone else.


Loop your leash around me
you got me tied to radiator

Always your American baby

Through the crack in the wall she’s crawling through. She shining through like the fucking super Nova that radiates from her soul. Crawl out from the can you been stuffing your emotions in. He is just Mister Amaninacan too afraid to let someone just love him . She sends her regards but continues on, time to change the view, skew the perspective break the insanity doing the same thing over and over. Time to write her own rule book in her game of life, time to stop giving until she’s empty, no it’s time to level up. You’re welcome to join but the moment you become dead weight she’ll cut the red string. Pack your own ‘chute and make sure that you have your own exit strategy cause she’s continuing on, taste the planets on on her lips she’s becoming stardust traveling from this galaxy to to next.

Heaters and boxes with Santa and skulls

If I could figure out how to switch this off I would. You crawled in through the crack in my defenses.

Now your crawling through my thoughts and making a mess of all the neatly compartmentalized emotions and memories I cut out, so that I could avoid having them weigh on me.

Please wear kid gloves while you dig through the archives of my life, you see I only just finished cleaning up & organizing from the last whirlwind of chaos that I banished from my life.

Spice is life,oh wait I’m getting my quotes muddled up like the lime and mint in the bottom of a mojito.

If you are going to hangout in my head then we may as well have a seat on the cozy sofa in the center of the perverbial room inside my head.

Sit with me my friend and smoke up this joint while I try to make sense of all these thoughts and feelings you’ve been digging your hands through.

Now you’re crawling across my brain, into my subconscious mind and invading my sleep. I hear you whispering my name as my dream state brain plays out these fantasies pulled from my subconscious daydreaming mind.

Am I just a play thing to you? Don’t forget to dress me back up before you put me back on the shelf. Dress me up pretty and let me be yours. Swap out the mask and make me smile. Pull the string and I’ll say whatever you want.

Waking up with your name on my lips, juicy wet and warm. Stuck in the twilight between consciousness and sleep.
No don’t want to wake up from this dream that feels so real. Phantom fingers on my spine and my juice box dripping.

Let me go back to sleep.. but alas no… life is cruel this morning, no climax for me unless it’s self service which I’m not in the mood for.
Instead I sit up rubbing my eyes as they try to focus, before reaching for my glasses. I pull on some lounge pants and a tank before making my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

Sometimes I can’t sleep because my mind is a bluster of thoughts, each talking loudly over the other in a nugatory attempt to gain my attention.

What they don’t realize is that I’ve already checked out my chosen box of memories for the evening. I’ve already locked myself away in the tiny room in my head that I allow myself to go into & get lost in thoughts and feelings from times long past.

Tonight I checked out a mixed box of emotions. I have been digging, going back through things because I need to figure out what has been weighing so heavily on my soul, and causing it so that I can’t sleep at night.

The mind is a strange beast, or at least to say that’s been my experience after really crawling around and getting dirty, while trying to understand all the pieces that fit together to make me who I am.

So yes I couldn’t sleep and I had much on my mind and so I decided to capture the moment and add it here as a true invited intrusion.

I try to capture emotions and tell a story in all my art things I do and I have to say I got the shot I wanted spot on.

Yes some people will just see it for the “skin” factor but others will see the emotion on the skin, the face. The subtle way the hair flows or maybe the position of the hands, they all work in synergy to create a on invitation to observe a moment stolen and frozen forever in time.

I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of my reality being shredded up and served to me cold.

I know what I saw, said, and heard your attempt to tell me that the sky is green will not work. I am not crazy and I will not let you convince me that I am. Your gaslighting tactics won’t work, you have no power over me.

Currently struggling… I’ll be ok.. but until I reach ok it’s going to be a uphill treck

Ruminations at 2 am

Crash and crack
Bang and Blame
Use then loose

Pleasure and pain we blur the lines
We feed the addictions of body and soul

Flash Forward
Spin round and round

There is a lightening that’s boiling in my blood.
There’s shards of my soul embedded in the palm of my hands.

Turn the page
Cut the red string
Snuff out the light

Pain from pleasure do the same thing over again
Take a hammer to the glass box I allowed myself to be put in

Come into my head.
Boxed and labeled you’ll find the directory behind my eyes.
Please don’t forget to put away the memories when you are done visiting my past.

Afternoon day dreaming…

Moon and stars/lights

Will you lay here with me and stare at the twinkling lights hanging from the beam over the ceiling?

Lay here with me on the bed and let me curl against you, my head resting in the nook between your shoulder and chest, our legs tangled.

I’ll lay here in the silence listening to the thumping of your heart as I repostion my ear against your chest.

Thump, thump.

You reach over and stroke my cheek, I feel a flush of warmth surge through my body and let out a soft moan as my lips gently part.

Please don’t wake me I want to stay in this day dream, it’s warm and cozy under the covers.