Broken heart and hashbrowns on fire

Hashbrowns and a broken heart.

I burned the hashbrowns and lit the oil on fire while we hung with Mary jane. You Punched the plexiglass cover and cut your nuckles to retrieve the extinguisher to put out the flame.

Strangely enough it was that same night that I later Sang/wrote “Pay attention” . The way you’d caress my jaw..you could always make me melt into a little pile of goo.

That silly song… something so personal and pure (at least for me) but sorry I’m rambling lol yes I tend to do that sometimes. I’m not sure if you know know all these years later … I found the sound files and recorded myself listening to the sound stems and singing as I listened…posting randomly on my TT, only to have the silly thing go viral?

I wanted to send it to you but I didn’t as
You know despite all the pain over the years, us both walking in and out eachothers lives…. I have to say my darling and believe it or not…. I still care about you but I also know that I have to let you just do you, while I learn my own lessons as I run parallel on the slow path. I’m glad of all the people in the world that I had the pleasure to meet you, that even despite all the pain we flug at eachother in the past… I forgive you and I forgive myself I offer my friendship because we have been through a lot and I know that at one point that you deeply cared for me before you let people try to dictate your life that had no right. It is after all why you keept walking in and out of my life is it not?

When you asked to come back in my life in 2013 and you apologized for the way you treated me and how we left things it brought me some closure, but then you walked out again without a word; just as my heart had let you back in.

I would wait 10 years to reach out and we would talk but again you would walk away . I waited 2 years and I have been trying to establish our friendship again in a febble one-sided attempt in what I hope is not vain…you have read the msgs but leave me on read.

I hope I’m reading it correctly and that you are digesting and are unsure how to proceed, hence being left on read, after all given our past interactions you would have blocked if my contact was unwelcome, so from what I can see we’ve both done some growing, although I guess there’s more to do on both sides.

I always knew there was a man in the boy. The kindness I saw that first night stumbling home in the rain. The way you made sure that I was ok, asking before proceeding to touch me helping me out of my wet clothes. That was the version of you that I fell in love with.

So many memories…Laughing in the laundry room as you kissed me passionately not caring if anyone walked in. Shopping for food, making hashbrowns when we got the munchies…all memories that I keep close to my heart. Ice skating on my birthday and going to the fancy restaurant , are examples of more memories I hold dearly in my heart.

When you apologized for the way you broke things off and said you would understand if I didn’t want to let you back in but you felt you needed to apologize. That meant the world to me.

Those are the times I saw the man in you and not the scared little boy who a certain person made you. I hope that you continue to find yourself and be the amazing and kind person that I know you’re capable of being.

I know I had my low points and baggage too but I have always held you in my heart and I will continue to do so. However much I wish things were different and that I could go back and change things, the reality is everything happens for a reason.

I don’t know about you, but all I can do is realize where I have been so that I can continue to to keep moving forward on the path of this lifetime. We’re back at the game of block and run away, and that’s ok with me. I realize I got lost in a memory and thought that mabye time had fixed the broken code, but I was mistaken. However, I can see that we’ve made progress after all this time…I know I’ve untangled my internal ball of yarn and from what I have been privileged to see; that you’re workin on yours too, but the source is open and the containers keep shifting volume.

If I could go back and do it again I’d never change a thing and every time I’d still say I like your Shoes, do you mind if I sit with you… I’m still growing and learning and I know you are too.

13 years ago I gave you a piece of my heart and you walked away with the whole thing. I kindly ask when you’re ready to return it let me know; I still have some adventures that I’m going to need it back for with or without you.

However in the meantime thanks for keeping it safe, I needed to learn not to rely on it.. I needed to learn how to be still and have grace & intellect, rather than run on instinct and raw emotion.

Thank you my dear…until the next time until life randomly puts us togeather like the puzzle pieces were are. You’ll always be the heater to my hash browns.

Ceres, Medusa and Minerva walk into a bar…

Been going down the +rabbit hole lately and have been making the the connections betwen things that have been popping up in unexpected places. It’s that movie and I’m bringing out the bueatiful mind that’s been in hiding in the box that I stuffed myself into deep in my soul. Carefully I’m coaxing out the darksparkle from the labyrinth that she got lost in.

I’m almost there, making my way to the exit and emerging back into the light. Yeas my dear it’s time to get back to the proper reality, I’ve been jumping time lines after I got on the data stream.

Crash and collide, push me against the the wall and watch me shatter like a billion particles of energy being smashed together. Break me apart and then put me back together better than before.

Sometimes you have to let go so that you can grow, that’s not to say that you can’t hold your memories in your heart, because if you love something enough you’ll let it be free and not dictate how it should be in return and if that love truly is yours it will comeback to you when the time is meat to be.

Kiss me, you’re my cyanide

You’ll always be the heater to my hashbrowns. .
Love makes a strange bedfellow when it has a threesome with fear and regret while tugging on the red string of fate.
“I’m tired of letting hope control me
Set me free
You kiss me on some cyanide” @thechainsmokers Also yes I may have ordered their new album on vinyl.

Moved some things around and washed my bedding. My record collection is growing slowly although I did sell a few because I needed the money.

It’s a process to get my office/room to reflect me, and I still have more work to do but I’m limited by the homeowners rules.

Anyway yeah still rediscovering my self…

Sometimes you have to just say fuck it.
Time to shine like the motherfucking Super Nove that I am.
Try to catchup motherfucker!

Not living by your crackpot set of rules, nope time to get back to the path of the righteous and free.

Try to catch up mother fucker!

When they come for me with their pitchforks and ropes, I’ll be long gone.

Taking some time off. Need to get my priorities adjusted. Be back soon

Been feeling super depressed latley, so in a effort to bring my spirits up, I decided to some light make up.

It actually came out pretty good. I’ve been playing with this blush and bronzer pallet but using it as a all over face/contour palette. I have been having histamine flares which causes red flushing so I have to go about make-up a little bit different in terms of color.

It’s a work in progress but hey not bad.

Been getting my curl on

Trying to peel back the layers

Expose the person underneath the years of neglect

Eradicate the fear and doubt that she allowed to be hammered into her, one at a time.

Like a sharp spike biting into her spine, as she unknowingly allowed them to hammer her in place, locking her up inside of a box.

The truth is…

She is me.

I’m the one who allowed myself to be smothered.

The first step is to realize what was done, so that I can take the steps to slowly get back to who I really am.

Time to undo the years of programming pounded into me.

I am worthy and I am more than they ever gave me credit for.

Could you even look me in the eyes if I was right in front of you?

Would you welcome me with a hug or just turn the other way like you didn’t even know who I was?

The red string is still connected even if we both went in different directions, and I accept that.

I feel it tugging at my wrist as my thoughts are transported down the information superhighway.

So far away and yet right here with me. This is the esoteric reality of my life.

So much discord. I’m on the end of this cycle around. It’s almost time to start over from scratch taking all these experiences and making my final turn around the wheel so that I can reach enlightenment and stop the cycle on this plane.

Got myself some bracelets and crystal stuff. I used to wear them all the time. It definitely feels good to be getting back to myself.

Holy hell am I hurting… thankfully I have a steroid injection scheduled.

Sitting in the doctor office waiting for her to come in and discuss what area we want to inject. I have 3 major spots flaring up do idk.

I’d rather oral steroids but I just had a round in January, so instead I will do this probable hip injection. I’m also going to ask if we can do imaging for my neck cause things aren’t better.. but that’s also a slippery slope cuz it could mean surgery and well I’m not going down that thought path right now… But yeah images and asking for zofran.

Of course I forgot my dog stepped on a bee 🤣🤣🤣 just kidding… But l forgot my cane and the stupid waiting room chair locked me up in pain. Currently waiting for the doctor and laying on my back scrunched up in agony.

Oh wait… just got part of my back to crack. That felt good for a few minutes but the pain is slowly returning as it usually does. It’s 4:25 and the apmt Was schedule for 3:40

(whoops)

Never finished this. I didn’t get out until 5 pm 🤦🏼‍♀️. Yeah 2 injection but hey it’s something.

How does one begin to describe this persona?

She feels like a skin walker and I spouse she is of some sort.

She feels akward in this body, not sure how to hold herself. There’s a softness about her akward gestures. Like a child almost, reaching out in wonder at the world around her.

She stumbles softly through life as she takes the time to pay attention to the little things that draw her attention.

She likes to feel the earth beneath her feet and is jovial when she feels the earth beneath her toes and smiles when she sees her footprints behind her.

She knows where she came from but the destination is unknown to her. She’s happiest when she can wander and explore.

She’s like the flower in the vase don’t try and put her on the shelf, her key needs winding up to function properly.

Let her fly freely like the sparrow the she is, a starling singing out her story as she makes her way.

Pulled out one of my designer tops because it was hot while I was moving furniture around last night.

I’m still yup 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s 5:30 am and my fucking brain won’t shut off. It’s like… Nope I don’t want to go to bed…. But my brain is all I’mma make you stay up and work through some trauma issues. 😬Gee thanks other me.. just what I was looking forward to.

I mean I can’t really be mad at the other me in the alternate reality… they’re right I never delt with it and I’m right to question myself as to why I’m still trying to have communication with the person.

Spent the last night until now 3am moving all the stuff around in my office/bedroom.

Got a good chunk done. I’m wide awake now 🤦🏼‍♀️ but physically my hip is 😬🤬 so I am snuggled in bed binge watching Wharehouse 13. Snuggling with the Santa skull minky throw since I have been thinking about the person who owns the twin to it that I made them a few years ago.

I think it’s because I have been doing a deep dive into myself and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to go in my life. There’s definitely still some unresolved things that I need to work through.

Anyway yeah I think I’m going to go back to watching TV and decompressing. Tomorrow I have more work to do in my room.. but I’ll share pictures when I’m done. Night y’all

Esoteric Realities

I’m thrilled to finally be able to start creating again. I have decided to go back and work on my digital art photography. While I think I have moved beyond the invited intrusion.. I have started a new adventure into the inner parts of my own realities.

Yes plural because wether we openly admit it or not we all have multiple realities we coexist in layered on top of eachother. Some people talk about wearing a mask or putting on your work persona etc.. but it’s more than that.

Anyway here’s some shots that I liked from the other day and felt like sharing. The edited one is the first go at the actual “esoteric realities” collection that I’m going to be working on in the coming months.

Who is this stranger wearing my skin?

She’s missing a heel of her shoe and her bleeding lip complements the black eyes she hides behind her oversized lenses.

Oh were has she been and gone?
This was far worse than mister toads wild ride.

Sometimes you have to get lost so that you can find the proper path to get where you need to go.

American doll, she let her self be one again, and now her age is showing.

Hair falling out and she’s got red crayon marks where they tied her to the radiator.

Hush hush baby no one asked your opinion, be a good girl and bow your head.

Do as the keeper asks of you and all will be well.


I’ll no longer be pushing to twitter. Sorry

Pandora’s bathtub

The call her crazy because she rembers things from another lifetime.

She’s learned to keep her thoughts to herself least they try to drown her like a witch.

That lesson she learned all too well another lifetime ago.

It’s only in the water that her memories and thoughts slow down so that for a moment she can rest.

Pour the Epsom salts in the water so that she may purify body and soul, let her wash away the pain and tears of the daily grind against the human discorse of exstiance.

Let the sage oil drip out of the bottle into the welcoming water below and the arouma waft up to her nose, purifying body and mind.

Don’t shake her, she’s drifting in the astral plane visiting bardo to help those who have not decided which path they want to take.

She’s a old soul, it’s why strangers gravitate to her and confess their secrets.

She carries suitcases of pain housed in her heart, not just hers, but countless others held and sometimes dumped on her, of strangers who seek her out blindly.

She carries these existential suitcases, so that these others can lighten their load and make their next transition in life.

She keeps her heritage hidden from others close to her heart, but still she shares her gifts when others need.

Orbiting…

She’s the super nova in the sky.

She can shine bright like a diamond or swallow you up like a black hole.

People are afraid of strong women like her. Women who hold suit cases of pain in their soul.

She carries not just her own pain, but the stories others have told her in confidence, so that they may unburden them selves.

She shines so that with just a simple smile to a stranger her joy radiates and warms their soul.

People are afraid of women like her. The ones that they don’t understand or can’t contain.