A view behind the screen

A glimpse behind the screen… A quiet moment wearing the one pair of pre pregnancy jeans that I can just barley get zipped. Man I need new pants. Anyone that wants to buy me a pair would be amazing and I would happily do a mini photo shoot and post hehe.. mabye I’ll come back and add a Amazon wish list. 😅

You can’t see it but the top is embroidered over the left breast with the Google Logo and say’s engineering underneath. It also is getting too small. But for around the house I can still get use out of it.

Anyway thought I would share a picture of you myself sitting in my office aka sewing room aka my inner sanctum. I promise I will share more of the room when I finish getting everything more organized.

Late night musings on self identity and navigation of the labyrinth of my own mind

It’s been a while since I posted. There’s a lot going on in my headspace. I’m not even sure where to begin or even if I want to….

It’s a slippery slope and the way down is fast and quite painful if I misstep as I navigate my way though.

For so long I was lost inside myself, fractured a scared little girl. Out of sheer self-preservation I allowed my own mind to splinter and take on the different persona/s needed to shield my inner CoRe from pain and trauma weather real, imagined, sometimes present or other times past and oftentimes mixed with bleed through.

Sometimes I would be like a silent passenger behind my eyes unable to control the words coming out of my mouth, unable to stop my body from it’s action.

Other times I would suddenly find myself back in reality with no idea of how I got there and trying to quickly asses the situation as my fight or flight response kicks in. Sometimes coming to bloody with my abuser stranding above me.

Eventually I would come to a have permanent semi shared conciseness that I mentioned in the beginning. It was through that, I could go in and dissect these personality fragments and understand what need or trauma created them so that I could now reintegrate them back into myself. Which I would do painstakingly over the next several years.

Are you confused yet? Ha! I am and I’m the one who went through all this…and now finds herself going back, and sifting through the memories and emotions left over that have bubbled back up. I know I must address these things before they gain the momentum and crush me under their weight. You see it’s never simple or easy, just because I Having gained control in the hear and now doesn’t mean that my biggest fear isn’t still that loss of control.

To learn to let one’s self relax fully with out loosing control can be difficult. Yes I need to learn to relax but with a health dose of moderation, you see that’s what I’m working on slowly these days.

I’m find that it’s not all black and white, you see I don’t have to drink the whole bottle or indulge in those “metaphorical” back to back glasses of wine. Yes let’s call it wine. Moderation is the key to everything, you see I can take the evening and/or afternoon and spread it out, not too much just enough to unclench my inner fists and yet still retain control.

I think I’m finally getting ready to dye my hair. It’s a big huge step in this retransformation that I’m going through. Just the act of changing your hair cut or color can completely change your persona both internally and externally. So it’s one that I have to think carefully about. Am I doing this drastic change for the right reasons? Am I trying to hide or escape something in my life, or am I doing it because I want to express that which is my inner core? These are the things that I have to carefully weigh and think about.

Sorry drifted off earlier into the void between my ears.. anyway I am back now. Sitting in front of my computer in my home office space. I’m lucky enough that I can keep a room just for myself. I just spent the last half hour trying to get my crappy speakers to work after moving them and my turntable from one side of the room to the other. Anyhow it’s working now, so I’m listening to records and hanging some posters and unframed art prints. Starting to really get happy with my room. It’s not quite there cause I’m not allowed to paint my walls but meh I’ll figure out something. I’m thinking about hanging one of my family quilts on the wall instead to cover the yucky ecru walls.

Any way my lovely reader It’s near 3 am and I really should try to get some sleep. Till next time.

Pandora’s dragon. The rise and fall of Icarus.

The title is actually what this large format painting is. One of my top 3 things I’ve ever painted. My daughter took the picture when I was trying on a new dress. I should mention that glass orb us actually a eco system thing. There’s one lone shrimp and it’s still alive 7 years almost 8 later despite the overgrowth of alge. I kinda feel like Darwin as I named him deserves to hang out as long as he’s still swimming.

Firecracker!

Sucker punch cosplay

Channeling my inner babydoll. Yes it’s a actual jacket that was made for the cast and crew of suckerpunch

Fairy core princess

I did it again, I went down the databack stream that I almost forgot about. There’s got to be something said for how extensively I documented the time when I was fragged. SO many different personas…it’s strange to have these documentations…because they instantly draw me back to that time in space. It’s like a rush, sometimes adrenaline and sometimes depression, sometimes I withdraw and have self loathing.

A part of me hates myself and yet I have to realize that if I hadn’t have experienced the things that I did… I’d probably still be fragged…trying to tie the pieces to geather.

I feel like I’m still holding on for dear life. All the loose strings wrapped around me keeping me in place and yet pulling on me like a puppet.

Learning to jump the wave. The conversation in my head is a game of chess played out internally with rules that are skewed.

The queen is left for dead Jack is all tragic and I’m riding off with the white knight backwards across the board.

A heater for a man stuck in a can

Heater! That’s been stuck in my head. It’s strange how thoughts return to places and take root again. For so long I was angry and then was asked for forgiveness and I gave it blindly. I cared deeply and gave all I could until you decided to flip your switch again, that’s your prerogative after all. Years go by and I reach out again forgiving and giving you a sanctuary in my soul and again you disappeared like a ghost in the shell…and yet still here I am with forgiveness still in my heart…I can’t blame or hate you… because I understand the boy behind the man. I wish we could just be friends and geek out like we once did in a happier time.. but all I can do is move forward. I gave you the map long ago, if you ever need me you know where to find my buried treasure. Perhaps one day we can have dinner again and I’ll make Salmon and Rice pilaf again for you. Time to pull myself out of the haze and wander down another corridor of thoughts.

Perfectly imperfect

New shoes! Now I just need some one to take me out so I can wear them.

P

Wash me clean let the wave tickle my toes leaving a smile on my face.

Cast out the sadness
Embrace the inner core

Cast out negativity and be whole again.

2012

Song lyrics/poem in progress

baby you took me spinning around

slap me in the face and then smeared it with paint

you got to take me away you could bring me down all you ever do is slap me in the face with your hands oh baby

Oh baby with your vitamin tear

oh baby with your cadmium tears

I want to lick them up, give myself metal poisoning what a great way to go out

baby oh darling don’t ever a fucking call me that

you’ve got to take me away you got to take me down the face with your oh oh baby slap me slap me slap me again

All you ever do, is just… you bring me bring me bring me bring me bring me down down

stabbing myself in the heart you go stabbing yourself in the neck but this little monster she’s growing she’s coming out , she’llbite your little head off

To be cont.

Anchor me to the ground

ON my way to the moon from the depths of the sea

So digging in my old hard drive and I found this one from August of 2009. It’s got a lot of emotion in and behind it. That is to say that this day was a very very strange one. I’m not really ready to go into that but I may at another time.

Instead I’m just going to share it here. It’s from a Moon viewing party. A friend who I have lost touch with took me and took some fun photos while we were on the Nasa campus at Moffett Field.

While this is not one of the most sexy ones it’s a fun one. The sloppy hair was intentional. Since I was a geek girl we thought the anchor was kinda a funny.

The point was this was the core me… carefully balanced and hanging on for dear life with a smile. Navigating the web as a GEEK GIRL..

Such A long time ago and I’ve changed and tried to reinvent myself so many times… but the truth of the twisted reality is this is still the core of who I am.

I’m still the avant garde, glasses wearing, blonde geek girl. I think it’s time to embrace that part of myself more and bring it backout.

Below is what I posted on my facebook page.. but I wanted to post here… cause I can be more open and free.. I’m sitting here balling my eyes out. I hadn’t in the year plus it’s been since this beautiful soul left this earth from a drug overdose. The second friend i the last few years to overdose.

I want to write so much but I’m afraid I can’t right now… I’m just to overwhelmed with the emotions coming out .. I need to cry and let this all out.

He was the true embodiment of PLUR Peace love , unity, Respect ❤


Mark Cowhead Dammit… I miss you my friend. I found this picture from when we met…what a strange time that was in my life. Despite your own things, you’re one of the few people who actually sat down with me and helped me get back on my path. Even after that we remained friends. I remember when you came down to visit me in pacifica and I I made us a 6 course Vegetarian spread and we drank wine and talked. You and I going to amanda palmer up in sf and me crying during the performance cause my emotions were high and my synesthesia had just begun to manifest as sound/emotion & you just hugging me and telling me it’s ok let it out if anyone gives you a hard time I”ll box their ears, which was surprising cause you’re not one to say that normally. ❤ I love you and I miss you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I thank you so much for your friendship and helping put me back on the path of light and love.

Today is One of those days…lazy hazy…Numb

Hazy shadow

Shadow on Windows Windows displayed

Displayed behind my eyes eyes looking right through

Through the door and to the back

Back to start

Start your engines

Surrender to the noise

Noise in your head

The Ferral princess

I think it’s time to do a little bit of cosplay pictures this weekend. I’ll have to see what I can come up with… should be fun. I haven’t picked up the Full frame DSLR in years. Time to get back on the proverbial horse.

I’m totally loving my costume hooded cape from the set of the magicians. Ok I’ll post pictures this weekend. The one below is just a quick shot to show off my awesome cloak.

Blood dragon a look back at one of my #throughglass paintings 7 years prior

I painted this about 7 years ago..one of the few paintings from then in that it deviates from my original style at the time and ended up to be specific object rather than a pure abstract emotive painting. This was a one of 2 dragons painted during that time. “Pandora’s dragon”was the other.. but that’s for a different post.

The video below of me painting it was taken while I was wearing my Google Glass to record The video in and of itself is an interesting artistic creation at least for myself to watch. I can understand it might be boring to others.

Anyway enjoy if that’s your thing watch & follow the link below if you would like to see the video:


https://youtu.be/K9-IQHrwzB

Rotflmao I conceed. White flag! Elvish eye frames ala Google

I learned a new slang word for big glasses amidst an unintentional quarrel. In america we call ’em “coke bottles” as a insult but apparently across the pond I’m wearing “bins” I agree they’re a bit large but Chez post modern & not at all elvish, what’s elvish Frames look like?

Apparently this is what Google images showed me as their top results.

how to inadvertently piss off a elf king & then try to apologize

Well apparently I had one of my moments where I tweeted my opinion and didn’t put on the social filter.

Sorry I would have said the same thing to my best mate if they were wearing the same thing and I wanted them to know how I thought they’d look better without. I do tend to have dry sense of humor but hey again to each their own.

Sorry if they felt insulted but it wasn’t my intention.. I think they have a lovely face and have enjoyed watching them acting. Never thought they’d respond and I apologize for my blunt delivery, truly I meant no insult I just don’t like that style glasses of in general.

Do what makes you happy and if you like those frames go for it but I don’t. Same with my (Giant somewhat ridiculous) looking frames you’re welcome to like them or not.

My apologies to the person and as a show of good faith I’m removed the original tweet. I hope you have a lovely day can’t wait to see your upcoming episodes of acting in your show.