Holy hell am I hurting… thankfully I have a steroid injection scheduled.

Sitting in the doctor office waiting for her to come in and discuss what area we want to inject. I have 3 major spots flaring up do idk.

I’d rather oral steroids but I just had a round in January, so instead I will do this probable hip injection. I’m also going to ask if we can do imaging for my neck cause things aren’t better.. but that’s also a slippery slope cuz it could mean surgery and well I’m not going down that thought path right now… But yeah images and asking for zofran.

Of course I forgot my dog stepped on a bee 🤣🤣🤣 just kidding… But l forgot my cane and the stupid waiting room chair locked me up in pain. Currently waiting for the doctor and laying on my back scrunched up in agony.

Oh wait… just got part of my back to crack. That felt good for a few minutes but the pain is slowly returning as it usually does. It’s 4:25 and the apmt Was schedule for 3:40

(whoops)

Never finished this. I didn’t get out until 5 pm 🤦🏼‍♀️. Yeah 2 injection but hey it’s something.

How does one begin to describe this persona?

She feels like a skin walker and I spouse she is of some sort.

She feels akward in this body, not sure how to hold herself. There’s a softness about her akward gestures. Like a child almost, reaching out in wonder at the world around her.

She stumbles softly through life as she takes the time to pay attention to the little things that draw her attention.

She likes to feel the earth beneath her feet and is jovial when she feels the earth beneath her toes and smiles when she sees her footprints behind her.

She knows where she came from but the destination is unknown to her. She’s happiest when she can wander and explore.

She’s like the flower in the vase don’t try and put her on the shelf, her key needs winding up to function properly.

Let her fly freely like the sparrow the she is, a starling singing out her story as she makes her way.

Pulled out one of my designer tops because it was hot while I was moving furniture around last night.

I’m still yup 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s 5:30 am and my fucking brain won’t shut off. It’s like… Nope I don’t want to go to bed…. But my brain is all I’mma make you stay up and work through some trauma issues. 😬Gee thanks other me.. just what I was looking forward to.

I mean I can’t really be mad at the other me in the alternate reality… they’re right I never delt with it and I’m right to question myself as to why I’m still trying to have communication with the person.

Spent the last night until now 3am moving all the stuff around in my office/bedroom.

Got a good chunk done. I’m wide awake now 🤦🏼‍♀️ but physically my hip is 😬🤬 so I am snuggled in bed binge watching Wharehouse 13. Snuggling with the Santa skull minky throw since I have been thinking about the person who owns the twin to it that I made them a few years ago.

I think it’s because I have been doing a deep dive into myself and trying to figure out who I am and where I want to go in my life. There’s definitely still some unresolved things that I need to work through.

Anyway yeah I think I’m going to go back to watching TV and decompressing. Tomorrow I have more work to do in my room.. but I’ll share pictures when I’m done. Night y’all

Esoteric Realities

I’m thrilled to finally be able to start creating again. I have decided to go back and work on my digital art photography. While I think I have moved beyond the invited intrusion.. I have started a new adventure into the inner parts of my own realities.

Yes plural because wether we openly admit it or not we all have multiple realities we coexist in layered on top of eachother. Some people talk about wearing a mask or putting on your work persona etc.. but it’s more than that.

Anyway here’s some shots that I liked from the other day and felt like sharing. The edited one is the first go at the actual “esoteric realities” collection that I’m going to be working on in the coming months.

Who is this stranger wearing my skin?

She’s missing a heel of her shoe and her bleeding lip complements the black eyes she hides behind her oversized lenses.

Oh were has she been and gone?
This was far worse than mister toads wild ride.

Sometimes you have to get lost so that you can find the proper path to get where you need to go.

American doll, she let her self be one again, and now her age is showing.

Hair falling out and she’s got red crayon marks where they tied her to the radiator.

Hush hush baby no one asked your opinion, be a good girl and bow your head.

Do as the keeper asks of you and all will be well.


I’ll no longer be pushing to twitter. Sorry

Pandora’s bathtub

The call her crazy because she rembers things from another lifetime.

She’s learned to keep her thoughts to herself least they try to drown her like a witch.

That lesson she learned all too well another lifetime ago.

It’s only in the water that her memories and thoughts slow down so that for a moment she can rest.

Pour the Epsom salts in the water so that she may purify body and soul, let her wash away the pain and tears of the daily grind against the human discorse of exstiance.

Let the sage oil drip out of the bottle into the welcoming water below and the arouma waft up to her nose, purifying body and mind.

Don’t shake her, she’s drifting in the astral plane visiting bardo to help those who have not decided which path they want to take.

She’s a old soul, it’s why strangers gravitate to her and confess their secrets.

She carries suitcases of pain housed in her heart, not just hers, but countless others held and sometimes dumped on her, of strangers who seek her out blindly.

She carries these existential suitcases, so that these others can lighten their load and make their next transition in life.

She keeps her heritage hidden from others close to her heart, but still she shares her gifts when others need.

Orbiting…

She’s the super nova in the sky.

She can shine bright like a diamond or swallow you up like a black hole.

People are afraid of strong women like her. Women who hold suit cases of pain in their soul.

She carries not just her own pain, but the stories others have told her in confidence, so that they may unburden them selves.

She shines so that with just a simple smile to a stranger her joy radiates and warms their soul.

People are afraid of women like her. The ones that they don’t understand or can’t contain.

Gunne sax overload

Went through my crazy Gunne sax collection today as I decided I need to down size,part of it is I grew out of all my size 9 and smaller so those need to go.

While I was going through it I happened to snap some quick pics if these 2 dress try ons. I like them but there’s also something about both of them that I can’t quite put my finger on.. ah!!!!!

Any felt like sharing one of the things I collect as I’ll be posting some pictures of me wearing them as the weather begins to warm up here in Pacifica.

This is just the ones I have decided to sale 🤣🤪🤦🏼‍♀️
These are just some of the ones that I am keeping. 🤪

Drown me in the bath water

(Fiction to go with the image)

They found her body in the bathtub. Slumped over her face against the ledge. One eye open and the other lid drooping almost closed.

Her body still warm from the water but the muscles now dead weight and stiff like the body that she now was.

Cause of death they would decide to be….

It’s strange how time moves.
Sometimes so fast and others slow

a single random thing can bring you back into the past

Why do I keep trying to give my heart to people who don’t want it?


I’m human and flawed
I bleed, I cry just like everyone else.


Loop your leash around me
you got me tied to radiator

Always your American baby

Through the crack in the wall she’s crawling through. She shining through like the fucking super Nova that radiates from her soul. Crawl out from the can you been stuffing your emotions in. He is just Mister Amaninacan too afraid to let someone just love him . She sends her regards but continues on, time to change the view, skew the perspective break the insanity doing the same thing over and over. Time to write her own rule book in her game of life, time to stop giving until she’s empty, no it’s time to level up. You’re welcome to join but the moment you become dead weight she’ll cut the red string. Pack your own ‘chute and make sure that you have your own exit strategy cause she’s continuing on, taste the planets on on her lips she’s becoming stardust traveling from this galaxy to to next.

Heaters and boxes with Santa and skulls

If I could figure out how to switch this off I would. You crawled in through the crack in my defenses.

Now your crawling through my thoughts and making a mess of all the neatly compartmentalized emotions and memories I cut out, so that I could avoid having them weigh on me.

Please wear kid gloves while you dig through the archives of my life, you see I only just finished cleaning up & organizing from the last whirlwind of chaos that I banished from my life.

Spice is life,oh wait I’m getting my quotes muddled up like the lime and mint in the bottom of a mojito.

If you are going to hangout in my head then we may as well have a seat on the cozy sofa in the center of the perverbial room inside my head.

Sit with me my friend and smoke up this joint while I try to make sense of all these thoughts and feelings you’ve been digging your hands through.

Now you’re crawling across my brain, into my subconscious mind and invading my sleep. I hear you whispering my name as my dream state brain plays out these fantasies pulled from my subconscious daydreaming mind.

Am I just a play thing to you? Don’t forget to dress me back up before you put me back on the shelf. Dress me up pretty and let me be yours. Swap out the mask and make me smile. Pull the string and I’ll say whatever you want.

Waking up with your name on my lips, juicy wet and warm. Stuck in the twilight between consciousness and sleep.
No don’t want to wake up from this dream that feels so real. Phantom fingers on my spine and my juice box dripping.

Let me go back to sleep.. but alas no… life is cruel this morning, no climax for me unless it’s self service which I’m not in the mood for.
Instead I sit up rubbing my eyes as they try to focus, before reaching for my glasses. I pull on some lounge pants and a tank before making my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

Sometimes I can’t sleep because my mind is a bluster of thoughts, each talking loudly over the other in a nugatory attempt to gain my attention.

What they don’t realize is that I’ve already checked out my chosen box of memories for the evening. I’ve already locked myself away in the tiny room in my head that I allow myself to go into & get lost in thoughts and feelings from times long past.

Tonight I checked out a mixed box of emotions. I have been digging, going back through things because I need to figure out what has been weighing so heavily on my soul, and causing it so that I can’t sleep at night.

The mind is a strange beast, or at least to say that’s been my experience after really crawling around and getting dirty, while trying to understand all the pieces that fit together to make me who I am.

So yes I couldn’t sleep and I had much on my mind and so I decided to capture the moment and add it here as a true invited intrusion.

I try to capture emotions and tell a story in all my art things I do and I have to say I got the shot I wanted spot on.

Yes some people will just see it for the “skin” factor but others will see the emotion on the skin, the face. The subtle way the hair flows or maybe the position of the hands, they all work in synergy to create a on invitation to observe a moment stolen and frozen forever in time.

I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of my reality being shredded up and served to me cold.

I know what I saw, said, and heard your attempt to tell me that the sky is green will not work. I am not crazy and I will not let you convince me that I am. Your gaslighting tactics won’t work, you have no power over me.

Currently struggling… I’ll be ok.. but until I reach ok it’s going to be a uphill treck

Ruminations at 2 am

Crash and crack
Bang and Blame
Use then loose

Pleasure and pain we blur the lines
We feed the addictions of body and soul

Flash Forward
Spin round and round

There is a lightening that’s boiling in my blood.
There’s shards of my soul embedded in the palm of my hands.

Turn the page
Cut the red string
Snuff out the light

Pain from pleasure do the same thing over again
Take a hammer to the glass box I allowed myself to be put in

Come into my head.
Boxed and labeled you’ll find the directory behind my eyes.
Please don’t forget to put away the memories when you are done visiting my past.

Afternoon day dreaming…

Moon and stars/lights

Will you lay here with me and stare at the twinkling lights hanging from the beam over the ceiling?

Lay here with me on the bed and let me curl against you, my head resting in the nook between your shoulder and chest, our legs tangled.

I’ll lay here in the silence listening to the thumping of your heart as I repostion my ear against your chest.

Thump, thump.

You reach over and stroke my cheek, I feel a flush of warmth surge through my body and let out a soft moan as my lips gently part.

Please don’t wake me I want to stay in this day dream, it’s warm and cozy under the covers.

Silently waiting…

I’m here still waiting. You’ll find me sitting patiently on my kness. I sit here, my heels turned up wards cusping my buttocks daintly.

I sit silently, waiting with hands folded for your command my dear. All you have to do is speak it. I am yours for the night so tell me what you want of me?

If only I had never said hello I like your shoes, then I wouldn’t be here waiting alone all this time later. Only you can still bring me to my knees 2,500 miles away.

Kiss me and let me taste the hopps on your lips from the craft beer you opened earlier, touch me and let me swim in the warmth of your fingers as they slide along my skin.

Push me backwards and I softly sprawl out on my back as I inhale quickly then hold it before parting my lips ever so slightly and letting out an almost inaudible moan.

Pinch my nipple between your finger and tumb as you slide down kissing my belly, making your way down before stopping at my juice box…

Let me savor the anticipation as I ever so slightly shiver as the electric current running down my spine. You sit up and stare me in the eyes , lightly caressing my jaw sensually before removing your shirt…

I’ve been waiting too long for you to come back and give me directions. Prehaps it’s time to get up and dust myself off, slowly standing up on my own two feet, carefully stretching my legs, which have becomesore from holding their subservient pose, waiting for your return.

I’ll draw a bath and let my mind wander. Standing before the tub I take in aroma of the sage bath oils as I push away the intrusive thoughts that linger refusing to let me forget you. I sigh heavily as I let the robe fall from my shoulders watching it pool on the floor like snow falling outside your high rise window.

I’ll step into the warm water and submerge myself, letting the water wash away the emotions I’ve held onto for too long. Let me emerge a blank canvas, ready to be painted.

Things that decided to be found again

Things that decided to be found again

It’s strange how the universe puts little things in your path. You can try to walk away or around them however much you want, but the universe will make it so you have to come back around and deal with said things, so that you can continue to move foreword in your life.

Such is whith today’s latest find. Just when I had told myself that I am done taking this trip down memory lane and that I was ready to put the memories back in their box that I could walk away… here I find these two little things I frogot that I’d held onto. Totems of happy memories of a time from my past.

Went to the San Jose MoMA togeather and as we were walking an asian man who didn’t speak any English insisted on giving a few of the bookmarks on the left to us. We both looked at them puzzled and then laughed as I stuck them in my pocket continuing our walk. At the museum they had a hands on art activity where you could make little lighted projects, so I made a card & you can see the little light behind the plastic in the upper left sun. The batteries have worn out but I’m sure it would still work if bought new ones.

It was a lovely afternoon we spent togeather and then went home. I belive it was also the night that we burnt the hashbrowns LOL, I have the picture from that night still we so proudly put the fire extinguisher next to the pan of hash browns and snapped a photo. Haha after that we were very careful when making the hashbrowns lol, which every fucking time I make them now I still find my self laughing silently to myself.

Anyway yeah… it’s like the universe is screaming at me and throwing all these little signs out and I honestly don’t fucking know what I’m spoused to do. I guess, perhaps it just wants me to remember where I have been so that I can get ready to move on in this next chapter of my life, I don’t know. It’s a bit perplexing if you want me to be totally honest.

Apart from actually calling on the phone or giving the address of this page to the person and say read the last 2 months of my ramblings… I am not really sure what to do…and to be honest I really don’t want to do either of those. There’s enough clues that if the person wanted they could find this… or they could simply respond to the msgs I’ve sent instead of leaving me on read. I mean meh whatever leave me on read I’m cool with that… I have no idea what’s going on in their life so I won’t intrude or push. If and when they want or are ready they’ll reply and depending on where I am in my life at that point I’ll reply or leave them on read. Give and take it’s always been like that and I’m ok with it.

If you were wondering what’s between my headphones lately. I have fallen in love with the band “cigarettes and sex” This song is fitting as I put away these thoughts and get ready for the next chapter in my life.

Managed to completely dislocate my thumb and have a possible scaphoid fracture.

It’s on my left hand which is my dominant hand so.. I’ll probably be taking a break for a while cause one hand typing isn’t really working for me LoL.

I did a quick taping and it helped reduce some of the swelling and fix the alignment but the MF hurts so much. Send healing vibes

What lies beneath the canvas?

I pulled out my full frame dslr the other night and decided to take some candid shots just to get the feel of the old gal beneath my fingers once again.

Well that is to say that my alpha 500 is a female but I do have one that is a bit of a bratty little boy who needs his ego stoked.

Anyway I thought I would share this one as it really speaks to me as it encompasses the complex range of emotions that I have been digesting as of late.

I am ready to get back to the things I love and one of them is photography..so watch for more of that to come my dears