Hashbrowns and a broken heart.
I burned the hashbrowns and lit the oil on fire while we hung with Mary jane. You Punched the plexiglass cover and cut your nuckles to retrieve the extinguisher to put out the flame.
Strangely enough it was that same night that I later Sang/wrote “Pay attention” . The way you’d caress my jaw..you could always make me melt into a little pile of goo.
That silly song… something so personal and pure (at least for me) but sorry I’m rambling lol yes I tend to do that sometimes. I’m not sure if you know know all these years later … I found the sound files and recorded myself listening to the sound stems and singing as I listened…posting randomly on my TT, only to have the silly thing go viral?
I wanted to send it to you but I didn’t as
You know despite all the pain over the years, us both walking in and out eachothers lives…. I have to say my darling and believe it or not…. I still care about you but I also know that I have to let you just do you, while I learn my own lessons as I run parallel on the slow path. I’m glad of all the people in the world that I had the pleasure to meet you, that even despite all the pain we flug at eachother in the past… I forgive you and I forgive myself I offer my friendship because we have been through a lot and I know that at one point that you deeply cared for me before you let people try to dictate your life that had no right. It is after all why you keept walking in and out of my life is it not?
When you asked to come back in my life in 2013 and you apologized for the way you treated me and how we left things it brought me some closure, but then you walked out again without a word; just as my heart had let you back in.
I would wait 10 years to reach out and we would talk but again you would walk away . I waited 2 years and I have been trying to establish our friendship again in a febble one-sided attempt in what I hope is not vain…you have read the msgs but leave me on read.
I hope I’m reading it correctly and that you are digesting and are unsure how to proceed, hence being left on read, after all given our past interactions you would have blocked if my contact was unwelcome, so from what I can see we’ve both done some growing, although I guess there’s more to do on both sides.
I always knew there was a man in the boy. The kindness I saw that first night stumbling home in the rain. The way you made sure that I was ok, asking before proceeding to touch me helping me out of my wet clothes. That was the version of you that I fell in love with.
So many memories…Laughing in the laundry room as you kissed me passionately not caring if anyone walked in. Shopping for food, making hashbrowns when we got the munchies…all memories that I keep close to my heart. Ice skating on my birthday and going to the fancy restaurant , are examples of more memories I hold dearly in my heart.
When you apologized for the way you broke things off and said you would understand if I didn’t want to let you back in but you felt you needed to apologize. That meant the world to me.
Those are the times I saw the man in you and not the scared little boy who a certain person made you. I hope that you continue to find yourself and be the amazing and kind person that I know you’re capable of being.
I know I had my low points and baggage too but I have always held you in my heart and I will continue to do so. However much I wish things were different and that I could go back and change things, the reality is everything happens for a reason.
I don’t know about you, but all I can do is realize where I have been so that I can continue to to keep moving forward on the path of this lifetime. We’re back at the game of block and run away, and that’s ok with me. I realize I got lost in a memory and thought that mabye time had fixed the broken code, but I was mistaken. However, I can see that we’ve made progress after all this time…I know I’ve untangled my internal ball of yarn and from what I have been privileged to see; that you’re workin on yours too, but the source is open and the containers keep shifting volume.
If I could go back and do it again I’d never change a thing and every time I’d still say I like your Shoes, do you mind if I sit with you… I’m still growing and learning and I know you are too.
13 years ago I gave you a piece of my heart and you walked away with the whole thing. I kindly ask when you’re ready to return it let me know; I still have some adventures that I’m going to need it back for with or without you.
However in the meantime thanks for keeping it safe, I needed to learn not to rely on it.. I needed to learn how to be still and have grace & intellect, rather than run on instinct and raw emotion.
Thank you my dear…until the next time until life randomly puts us togeather like the puzzle pieces were are. You’ll always be the heater to my hash browns.
invited intrusion of a leftover postmodern tease 
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