It’s been a while since I posted. There’s a lot going on in my headspace. I’m not even sure where to begin or even if I want to….
It’s a slippery slope and the way down is fast and quite painful if I misstep as I navigate my way though.
For so long I was lost inside myself, fractured a scared little girl. Out of sheer self-preservation I allowed my own mind to splinter and take on the different persona/s needed to shield my inner CoRe from pain and trauma weather real, imagined, sometimes present or other times past and oftentimes mixed with bleed through.
Sometimes I would be like a silent passenger behind my eyes unable to control the words coming out of my mouth, unable to stop my body from it’s action.
Other times I would suddenly find myself back in reality with no idea of how I got there and trying to quickly asses the situation as my fight or flight response kicks in. Sometimes coming to bloody with my abuser stranding above me.
Eventually I would come to a have permanent semi shared conciseness that I mentioned in the beginning. It was through that, I could go in and dissect these personality fragments and understand what need or trauma created them so that I could now reintegrate them back into myself. Which I would do painstakingly over the next several years.
Are you confused yet? Ha! I am and I’m the one who went through all this…and now finds herself going back, and sifting through the memories and emotions left over that have bubbled back up. I know I must address these things before they gain the momentum and crush me under their weight. You see it’s never simple or easy, just because I Having gained control in the hear and now doesn’t mean that my biggest fear isn’t still that loss of control.
To learn to let one’s self relax fully with out loosing control can be difficult. Yes I need to learn to relax but with a health dose of moderation, you see that’s what I’m working on slowly these days.
I’m find that it’s not all black and white, you see I don’t have to drink the whole bottle or indulge in those “metaphorical” back to back glasses of wine. Yes let’s call it wine. Moderation is the key to everything, you see I can take the evening and/or afternoon and spread it out, not too much just enough to unclench my inner fists and yet still retain control.
I think I’m finally getting ready to dye my hair. It’s a big huge step in this retransformation that I’m going through. Just the act of changing your hair cut or color can completely change your persona both internally and externally. So it’s one that I have to think carefully about. Am I doing this drastic change for the right reasons? Am I trying to hide or escape something in my life, or am I doing it because I want to express that which is my inner core? These are the things that I have to carefully weigh and think about.
Sorry drifted off earlier into the void between my ears.. anyway I am back now. Sitting in front of my computer in my home office space. I’m lucky enough that I can keep a room just for myself. I just spent the last half hour trying to get my crappy speakers to work after moving them and my turntable from one side of the room to the other. Anyhow it’s working now, so I’m listening to records and hanging some posters and unframed art prints. Starting to really get happy with my room. It’s not quite there cause I’m not allowed to paint my walls but meh I’ll figure out something. I’m thinking about hanging one of my family quilts on the wall instead to cover the yucky ecru walls.
Any way my lovely reader It’s near 3 am and I really should try to get some sleep. Till next time.