You can tell a lot about a person by their booksheves and displays. This is one of mine. It’s in my crative spaces aka office and sometimes bedroom, fir when I need a break away from the family or want to stay up late creating.
Anyway… I thought it might be nice to share some of the toems and reflections of self that i’ve collected over the years. There’s a story in everything.
Prehaps that’s what this post should be? It’s been a while since I’ve done a self introspective post, ah yes why the heck not…. let’s me give you a inner glimpse into the the core, Invited intrusion after all?
Swirling trying to stay afloat.. don’t even know my own reflection or body.
Parts I know, others foreign.. invaders… Scars documents of abuse left on skin,bone,teeth and soul
Misguided trust… abused..unbelived. alone hurting
Silent street, silent house, and community.
Blind… eyes turned away. Away in shame, in disgust and disbelief. They turn their backs.
Back to the abusers where victims are silenced with shame and a never ending cycle of abuse.
We need to normalize the conversation about medical abuse and violation. Never ever is it ok for someone to continue what they are doing when you say stop.
If I go to you for treatment and state you do not want a certain medication used never is it ok for the medical person to use it anyway. That is a violation and is abusive.
If a patient tells you they are in pain never should you aggressively raise your voice or grab them or withhold pain medicine.
If your pacient is crying don’t tell them they’re being difficult and you know better and they should stop being a baby. That’s unacceptable!
If you’ve been a victim please share your story with me. I see you and you are not alone
So the first thing I must tell you dear reader is to forgive the rawness of my vocals on this. It was recorded in one single take and was emotional at hte time which can be heard in my voice. The words came into my head as I sang them. It was a very painful time in my life but I also grew beyond my own self. Sometimes you have to take a detour in life to get where you are going. Sometimes you will also find amazing treasure along the path of that detour. I hope you will enjoy this song. The music is by the band “MONO” but the vocals and loops of vocals to create the whispers etc are all of my own self and arrangement.
What’s that you say my dear?
For so long I was slumbering.
Lost in the labyrinth of my own mind.
They held me down underthe water.
Baby broke the surface, aged 10 years in 2 months.
She’s living proof, she’s the super nova.
Intoxicating aroma from skin.
She looks out from under heavy lashes.
Pull off my wings I am just the the dragon fly.
I break the surface of the water, to taste my first breath.
Taste the the air in my lungs, I’m breathing.
I’m living on my own for the very first time.
You can’t try and pin me down.
I’m not your specimen
I’m not yours to cut up
Flutter off into the shy, I’m flying.
I’m flying free
Oh watch me go, let me go.
You can not keep me captive any more.
Just let me go.
Let me fly AWAY.
You put my soul in your pipe and smoked it.
I won’t be your elixir.
I’ll burn you out from the inside.
I’ll trunt to some that you can never touch.
I took and painted over the picture that we had.
I don’t want be with you, I’m not doll for you to play with.
Everything arranged and done by me using garage band so so long ago. There’s a deeper story behind this.. but I’m not sure if I’m ready to share it with anyone besides the man stuck in a can. It’s funny how some of the shittiest times in my life brought forth the most creativity. For so long I would have given anything to not be that.. and now that I’m vanilla and balanced… I’m kind of like wait a minute where’d the muse go???
Who says you can’t look cute while cooking?
Found this card from you from highschool…I miss talking to you. It’s not fair you’re gone, too young!
A glimpse behind the screen… A quiet moment wearing the one pair of pre pregnancy jeans that I can just barley get zipped. Man I need new pants. Anyone that wants to buy me a pair would be amazing and I would happily do a mini photo shoot and post hehe.. mabye I’ll come back and add a Amazon wish list. 😅
You can’t see it but the top is embroidered over the left breast with the Google Logo and say’s engineering underneath. It also is getting too small. But for around the house I can still get use out of it.
Anyway thought I would share a picture of you myself sitting in my office aka sewing room aka my inner sanctum. I promise I will share more of the room when I finish getting everything more organized.
It’s been a while since I posted. There’s a lot going on in my headspace. I’m not even sure where to begin or even if I want to….
It’s a slippery slope and the way down is fast and quite painful if I misstep as I navigate my way though.
For so long I was lost inside myself, fractured a scared little girl. Out of sheer self-preservation I allowed my own mind to splinter and take on the different persona/s needed to shield my inner CoRe from pain and trauma weather real, imagined, sometimes present or other times past and oftentimes mixed with bleed through.
Sometimes I would be like a silent passenger behind my eyes unable to control the words coming out of my mouth, unable to stop my body from it’s action.
Other times I would suddenly find myself back in reality with no idea of how I got there and trying to quickly asses the situation as my fight or flight response kicks in. Sometimes coming to bloody with my abuser stranding above me.
Eventually I would come to a have permanent semi shared conciseness that I mentioned in the beginning. It was through that, I could go in and dissect these personality fragments and understand what need or trauma created them so that I could now reintegrate them back into myself. Which I would do painstakingly over the next several years.
Are you confused yet? Ha! I am and I’m the one who went through all this…and now finds herself going back, and sifting through the memories and emotions left over that have bubbled back up. I know I must address these things before they gain the momentum and crush me under their weight. You see it’s never simple or easy, just because I Having gained control in the hear and now doesn’t mean that my biggest fear isn’t still that loss of control.
To learn to let one’s self relax fully with out loosing control can be difficult. Yes I need to learn to relax but with a health dose of moderation, you see that’s what I’m working on slowly these days.
I’m find that it’s not all black and white, you see I don’t have to drink the whole bottle or indulge in those “metaphorical” back to back glasses of wine. Yes let’s call it wine. Moderation is the key to everything, you see I can take the evening and/or afternoon and spread it out, not too much just enough to unclench my inner fists and yet still retain control.
I think I’m finally getting ready to dye my hair. It’s a big huge step in this retransformation that I’m going through. Just the act of changing your hair cut or color can completely change your persona both internally and externally. So it’s one that I have to think carefully about. Am I doing this drastic change for the right reasons? Am I trying to hide or escape something in my life, or am I doing it because I want to express that which is my inner core? These are the things that I have to carefully weigh and think about.
Sorry drifted off earlier into the void between my ears.. anyway I am back now. Sitting in front of my computer in my home office space. I’m lucky enough that I can keep a room just for myself. I just spent the last half hour trying to get my crappy speakers to work after moving them and my turntable from one side of the room to the other. Anyhow it’s working now, so I’m listening to records and hanging some posters and unframed art prints. Starting to really get happy with my room. It’s not quite there cause I’m not allowed to paint my walls but meh I’ll figure out something. I’m thinking about hanging one of my family quilts on the wall instead to cover the yucky ecru walls.
Any way my lovely reader It’s near 3 am and I really should try to get some sleep. Till next time.
The title is actually what this large format painting is. One of my top 3 things I’ve ever painted. My daughter took the picture when I was trying on a new dress. I should mention that glass orb us actually a eco system thing. There’s one lone shrimp and it’s still alive 7 years almost 8 later despite the overgrowth of alge. I kinda feel like Darwin as I named him deserves to hang out as long as he’s still swimming.
Fairy core princess
I did it again, I went down the databack stream that I almost forgot about. There’s got to be something said for how extensively I documented the time when I was fragged. SO many different personas…it’s strange to have these documentations…because they instantly draw me back to that time in space. It’s like a rush, sometimes adrenaline and sometimes depression, sometimes I withdraw and have self loathing.
A part of me hates myself and yet I have to realize that if I hadn’t have experienced the things that I did… I’d probably still be fragged…trying to tie the pieces to geather.
I feel like I’m still holding on for dear life. All the loose strings wrapped around me keeping me in place and yet pulling on me like a puppet.
Learning to jump the wave. The conversation in my head is a game of chess played out internally with rules that are skewed.
The queen is left for dead Jack is all tragic and I’m riding off with the white knight backwards across the board.
Heater! That’s been stuck in my head. It’s strange how thoughts return to places and take root again. For so long I was angry and then was asked for forgiveness and I gave it blindly. I cared deeply and gave all I could until you decided to flip your switch again, that’s your prerogative after all. Years go by and I reach out again forgiving and giving you a sanctuary in my soul and again you disappeared like a ghost in the shell…and yet still here I am with forgiveness still in my heart…I can’t blame or hate you… because I understand the boy behind the man. I wish we could just be friends and geek out like we once did in a happier time.. but all I can do is move forward. I gave you the map long ago, if you ever need me you know where to find my buried treasure. Perhaps one day we can have dinner again and I’ll make Salmon and Rice pilaf again for you. Time to pull myself out of the haze and wander down another corridor of thoughts.
New shoes! Now I just need some one to take me out so I can wear them.
Wash me clean let the wave tickle my toes leaving a smile on my face.
Cast out the sadness
Embrace the inner core
Cast out negativity and be whole again.
baby you took me spinning around
slap me in the face and then smeared it with paint
you got to take me away you could bring me down all you ever do is slap me in the face with your hands oh baby
Oh baby with your vitamin tear
oh baby with your cadmium tears
I want to lick them up, give myself metal poisoning what a great way to go out
baby oh darling don’t ever a fucking call me that
you’ve got to take me away you got to take me down the face with your oh oh baby slap me slap me slap me again
All you ever do, is just… you bring me bring me bring me bring me bring me down down
stabbing myself in the heart you go stabbing yourself in the neck but this little monster she’s growing she’s coming out , she’llbite your little head off
To be cont.
So digging in my old hard drive and I found this one from August of 2009. It’s got a lot of emotion in and behind it. That is to say that this day was a very very strange one. I’m not really ready to go into that but I may at another time.
Instead I’m just going to share it here. It’s from a Moon viewing party. A friend who I have lost touch with took me and took some fun photos while we were on the Nasa campus at Moffett Field.
While this is not one of the most sexy ones it’s a fun one. The sloppy hair was intentional. Since I was a geek girl we thought the anchor was kinda a funny.
The point was this was the core me… carefully balanced and hanging on for dear life with a smile. Navigating the web as a GEEK GIRL..
Such A long time ago and I’ve changed and tried to reinvent myself so many times… but the truth of the twisted reality is this is still the core of who I am.
I’m still the avant garde, glasses wearing, blonde geek girl. I think it’s time to embrace that part of myself more and bring it backout.
Below is what I posted on my facebook page.. but I wanted to post here… cause I can be more open and free.. I’m sitting here balling my eyes out. I hadn’t in the year plus it’s been since this beautiful soul left this earth from a drug overdose. The second friend i the last few years to overdose.
I want to write so much but I’m afraid I can’t right now… I’m just to overwhelmed with the emotions coming out .. I need to cry and let this all out.
He was the true embodiment of PLUR Peace love , unity, Respect ❤
Mark Cowhead Dammit… I miss you my friend. I found this picture from when we met…what a strange time that was in my life. Despite your own things, you’re one of the few people who actually sat down with me and helped me get back on my path. Even after that we remained friends. I remember when you came down to visit me in pacifica and I I made us a 6 course Vegetarian spread and we drank wine and talked. You and I going to amanda palmer up in sf and me crying during the performance cause my emotions were high and my synesthesia had just begun to manifest as sound/emotion & you just hugging me and telling me it’s ok let it out if anyone gives you a hard time I”ll box their ears, which was surprising cause you’re not one to say that normally. I love you and I miss you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I thank you so much for your friendship and helping put me back on the path of light and love.