Taking a few days off… overwhelmed with some things around me… don’t worry I’m fine. Just need to decompress.
AS I stated in my post yesterday.. the original invited intrusion project had prose/stories to go with the pictures, and were published in a hard cover coffee table flip through book for just a a few close people. Nothing large in fact it was small 6×8 if I remember correctly. Anyway I found the original files.. again I don’t want to share everything as I’ve not decided what I want to do with them. Also there’s the fact that everyone thinks it’s ok to repost and borrow and steal images from the web. Just because I share and post something somewhere doesn’t give you the right to repost and use my copyrighted work without my express permission. I have had my work stolen, copied and even sold without my consent, and I haven’t I seen a penny from these stolen and copied works.
Everyone tells me oh but it’s exposure.. your work is getting out there. I’m sorry but no… these are my creations.. and often times that inspiration to create has come from a very private and often very painful place within myself… so no… you need to respect the original artist… this is kind of why I’m a little bit drawn to the ideas of NFT’s but at the same time it’s also ridiculous… idk… I am definitely mixed on this subject… what do you think? SHall I get on one of the sites and release the collection??? WOuld you buy one like the piece below? WOuld you buy a tiny bit of my soul..for yes all my creations have bits of me in them.
This is one of the original images with it’s story to go alongside. Many of these also ended up becoming song lyrics to music that I made. I had hoped to make a audio and visual installment.. but since the background music, the songs I sang against established artists I can’t can’t publish for profit without permission and well it’s going to be next to impossible to get permission.. and then there’s the whole fact that I’m a hypocrite.. I just sat there bitching about someone using my work.. and yet for my music I did the same thing.. I reworked someone else’s music with my own vocals and changed the work completely.. when does it become a new piece of work.. how much do you have to change to call it “new” to be able to call it your own now and not stolen?
Anyway.. I’m rambling and my thoughts are a bit disjointed. It’s been a morning from hell and I’m utterly and completely lost in my thoughts…and I need to stop this and get off the computer. The excavation of these old files has taken it’s toll on me I’m afraid. The difference between now and when I created these art pieces previously.. is I would just continue to spiral and become more and more overwhelmed until i both imploded and exploded on everything around me… so to avoid getting to that point.. I’m going to go make a cup of tea and take a nap. I need to let the neural pathways that are waking up have a rest. I’m happy to get some of these pathways back.. because I miss the creative bursts…but I also can’t do it all at once. So my dear lovely reader.. I hope you enjoy my ramblings as I explore my own head. I would definitely LOVE to know what you this of this particular art work below? I know you’re dying for the back story… ah perhaps soon I’ll dive into the that very very complex story. For now Let me know what this image evokes and speaks to you. ❤
Invited intrusion, remember to breathe.
I said yes, then I said no.
Invited intrusion it goes in either direction.
Digging and finding files stashed on hard-drives, the cloud, usb sticks and the like. These images are from a project that I thought I’d lost the original files to. While I am the subject matter of some not all of this project are of myself.. there’s some pretty amazing files I have and will share with you at a later date. For now I felt like sharing these ones. I still have the written prose/stories that goes with each..but these are some of the personas that I was and explored in as around mid to late 2000. I was exploring the ideas of “masks, alternate personalities and personas” All of these are parts of a whole but when you pull then apart they are each unique and fully formed representations. You have to really look beyond the surface of the images as there’s subtle things layered and blended in…all these subtle and not so subtle images and the emotions they evoke make up the overall image but the moment you take off one layer the image will change. Now with the idea of NFT’s I’m wondering if I should “re-publish” this collection… and sale myself into the digital nether world.. hmm.. something to to stop and think about. I need more info on nft’s and I have to really decide if I’m willing to sale myself… For now I’m sharing thes… I reserve all copy rights so please don’t steal my work.
I am an intruder in my own life.
The writer and the archaeologist.
Digging in and discecting the clues that I left for myself
Unbenonst to my self as I was falling , spiriling down out of controll for some reason I was documenting.
Witing my story for my self later to have a conversation with myself.
Skin,paper, sonic, visuals, harmonic… I used all to talk to myself.
The emotions tucked into each… I’m still unearthing levels and layers of each…. The emotions and fears, hopes and joys that the peson that I was then documented.
Taking the pesron that I am now and trying to draw the lines between the two…
How did I get from the one chaotic persona to this calma and compatmentalized person that I am, in my day to day life now.
Both are still who I am, and still inside me.
Thoughts swirling blending but I’m here observing.
Something I’ve started doing again that I haven’t done in a while is Swaying as I write. It’s actually intresting to watch.. I didn’t realize I would do it until oh so many years ago… a friend recoreded me whoile I was sitting in a coffee shop working on my then poetry Book that I published and then pulled.
As I’ve mentioned I “feel music” not like I just bop along to it but I EMOTIONALLY feel it.. music and espically a good violin can make me weep without my consent.
I would guess that the rocking of my body would make sencse and I tie the beat of the music along with my thoughts and the words as I tie.. I think that is serves as a middle to the action.. music in my eas via the headphones and hte rocking helps to ground me me tie the theoughst back as my body types them back out. I think it’s a form of “stimm” like a sensory seeking peron needs a fidget to keep them focused I thing I do that with the foot tapping and body swaying.
Someone one told me I should try drumming.. but nope.. it doesn’t work unless I’m typing and I have music that I can express with my typings/swaying. HA!
Well I’ve gone off on a complete tangent here….I thik it’s time to wrap this up and get some laundry started. Real off line life beckons. Catch ya later!
Before I was a postmodern tease, I was just a geek girl
So I’m still uncovering things… the progress is slow as I have to carefully monitor my time and assess the emotions that are brought up as I pour over these images, music, musings, and written documentary of traumatic events during that time period.
I was pleasantly surprised to unearth this picture. This is the 16 year old me. This was my freshman year of highschool. The funny things is I can remember that exact day.. I can tell you where I was sitting and who took the picture and what’s in my hand/lap. It’s very strange to have such memory/emotional recall…. and that’s something that I’ve realized that I ‘ve had all my life. It’s a stem of the symentesia of sorts… and a part of why for so long I was full of chaos, swirling emotions, disjointed thoughts.
For now I think I’m going to withhold the back story of this picture. Instead I’m just going to publish it here for myself. I’m going to enjoy the pure joy radiating off my face and not go down to the deeper rabbit hole from this particular day…. I know cryptic as you the reader has no idea of what I’m talking about.. but again this is my adventure not yours. SO, for my own self sanity… I’m going to publish this and perhaps I’ll touch down on it another day.. fo right now I’m just going to enjoy the happiness and remember what my real life avatar was before I because the person that I am in the here and now.
Back at it again…
Found some of my music that’s been lost to myself for 8 plus years.
It’s amazing going back and listening these songs. Each one a iny little audio sensory glimpse into that time and expirence.
Listening to them evokes the emotion of the time it was when it was made… it’s a bit like slaming into a brick wall…. boom the intense emotions I suddenly feel all over again.
At the same time, I now have my feet grounded so I can stop myself, and pull the teather to bring myself back around out of that intensity.
It’s a real trip to hear these and it’s awakened my synethesia, which and of it’s self is a bit disorentiening.
Oh don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining…. infact I’ve been wanting to beable to acess this part of myself I sealed off so long ago.
I just know that I have to do it in careful doses. I have to keep my feet teathered to the floor as my mind wanders. There’s much I want to write and explore but at this moment I think I need to just let myself listen and digest.
In the mean time I’m droping a picture that was on this tresure trove of things discovered and still in the process of being discovered. This (the picture below) was one of my most terible tragic emotinal times in my life and yes this picture I took then is so bueatiful.
Yes it’s of myself but what’s the difference oft hat or using a model to tell a artistic story… the difference was I was my own canvas. I was trying to tell the story then for myself now to understand.
To see the pain, to under stand what was happening to myself then, SO that I could see now so many years later…so that I could see eactly where I crawled out of.
I know as the reader you likely don’t know any of the back story…. or prehaps you do a very few people do..but most likely you have no clue and I’m just some stranger ranting here on a page… and that’s ok too….
I’m not writing for you… I’m writing for myself and I just happen to have this set to public and allow others the invited intrusuion.
So here you go… I present the tragicly bueatiful geshia girl
SO much emotion dripping off the page and I’m glad that the person I was then documented things… this whole adventure is really an acheology dig into the psyche.
To really know ones self you have to dig down and know where you’ve been and how you’ve gotten to the place you are…
anyway… this is what I have to share for today. It’s time to hit publish on my post and turn off the computer. Turn off the music and the visuals and let myself decompress.
Till tomarrow my dear self and whoever may be following along. Enjoy this invited introusion.
It’s so strange to actually be sitting here and typing for once from my computer. YES!!! I actually hooked my desktop back up… Mind you this rendition of my desktop I haven’t used since on about 2015 when I was given one of those hockey puck sized, new fangled computers. In fact quite a bit of my data is still sitting on the dusty tower that I was using prior…. ah but I’m diressing and letting my thoughts wander… so where was I?
Ah yes.. I finally have hooked this desktop up, and while it doesn’t have everything that I’d have loved to have found…it does have a hell of a lot. SO munch infact that as I actually sit here and type and explore the files and things. I find that I have to admit I’m on the presprice of an internal explosion… it’s strange becaUSE THE PERSON THAT I am now is like hey wow it’s an archeology dig.
A reflection on the things past, to understand how I’ve gotten to this place I am now……. and then there’s the me from back then, the one that I haven’t seen in forever that’s just as raw and emotional… it’s a but hard to explain.
It’s a yin yang internal thing going on. I guess you could say “persona” ah.. see even as I’m trying… I’m trying to digest this..to explain and define it, I find myself swirling.
For me it’s all to familar and yet it’s also so strange to feel these emotions after so long… the difference now is that I know this intesisty of swirling emotions is not the normality that the very vast vajority of people expirence… and I say majority because I have been in this emotional discord before and I’ve known others who have felt the same way and struggle to quiet and slow down things…
You seen even as I write this I have to check myself… it’s seductive to really let these emotions flood back in and take me down the river..but I know that I can’t be left to my own devices.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m definetly going to allow myself to explore this but I have to be careful…set up safety nets and let it come a little bit at a time.
Espically as an empath type personality I have to be careful that if I dig and go back to a place when things were chaotic that I don’t let that overwhelm me.
Anyway… I could proably contine sitting here and writing much much more… but this is one of those times that I need to tell myself to stop… take a break let yourself digest everything and then decompress for a bit before coming back and writing all the thoughts and feelings…. please for give this giant ramble and the grammar and puncuations/spelling are Shite but I don’t give a fuck hahahaha…. yup this is me writing down the thoughts as they fly… so take me as I am or get the fuck off my blog. ❤
I really hate people today.
I’m so over the drama and toxic environments.
Like I actively left my fb account and then the one time I log into it to get a phone number for a friend I wanted to check on…its a shit show.
Naturally I’m bombarded with ping, ping msg notifications poping up. A few are you feeling ok txts but then comes the emotional vampires… Just ugh!
Anyway I wanted to vent and get this icky feeling off my skin. Shudder.
I’m going to go vege and watch TV. If you are interested I’m currently binge watching “Elementary” with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu. I like their charters as I can relate to both in many ways.
Anyway my fellow reader I hope you are having a lovely day. Feel free to leave comments or ask me questions. I’ll answer what I feel comfortable with sharing as long as it’s not creepy, dirty or illegal. LoL. What would you like to know about the person behind the blog?
Lyrics to fit the mood:
Not habit for anyone ‘cos I’m trying to break your click track heart
Seen a vision of perfect grace airbrushed and lifeless
All contempt and aftertaste, it’s like I’m waiting for the scars to heal
I can’t focus
Motivation is gone
I feel empty, alone
I try to to things I enjoy but the follow through of motivation is waning.
I will browse online and pick fabric, for example to make my daughter a dress but when it arrives I just can’t seem to get myself to sit down and start working on it.
It’s not that I don’t want to.. because I really do but I just feel so empty and hallow. Like there’s invisible weights around my neck.
I’m exhausted all the time and in a mental fog but I got 9 hours of sleep last night. It’s strange not sure if I am disassociating again or not as one day bleeds into the next.
Even now thoughts are drifting back and forth….
I want a cup of tea,. My jaw hurts… Ugh ok I think I’m going to go back to sleep.
It’s so strange to get that validation that you so desperately crave.
When you have that, you still question if it’s real or just a construct to knowingly or subconscious. Either way it’s still a drain to take.
Trust is something that always has been hard for me. I want so desperately to have a connection any connection, that I have blindly given it only to be used and hurt in the end for a farce.
In society we have so much that we fake.
The digital personalies, the core, the mother, the friend, the sister, the drunk, the addict, the bipolar, the depressed, the manic, the anorexic, the proud, the stupid, these are all examples of personalites that I have been. Each one has levels and subsets.
Public and private life will splinter you just as each mask you wear takes a chunk of your soul.
Take, take, take
They withdraw on your soul bringing your personal balance down
You attempt in a desperate cycle that you are bound to to enrich your personal balance.
However in the end you still end up drained and alone. I guess the question is how do you really break free. How do you stop letting others define you and truly just be you.
That is the question I am searching for.
The inner adventure to find myself and remove the masks others have projected onto me, and I have agreed to wear unthinkingly.
Break the silence
Break the habit
Break the control.
I wil do things for me amd me only.
A face I hardly recognize anymore. Chronic pain and illness has changed it not just on the surface leaving redness, scaring, and discoloration, but the internal conflict as well.
Trying to find a balance.
Trying to accept that I am not who or what I once was. Aa cruel joke life has decided I should be host to.
Raclette cheese melted over baby new potatoes with charcuterie and cornichons
I know it seems contradictory that I have this page inviting people to look in on my random thoughts and images and yet I have deleted my facebook account because I truly believe that facebook is a toxic ecosystem and facilitates and harbors , bullies, abusers, sociopaths narcissist etc to find and abuse their prey with ease.
What I put forth here is a glimpse into the yin and yang of my thoughts but it is not me it is a persona a mask that I choose to share. A tiny interpretation that I allow you to view. An invited intrusion not a right.
(work in progress)
Take the chalk from your pocket
Draw your sigil at her feet.
She sees all but says nothing, for she cannot,
They cut out her tounge with their words like razorblades against the throat.
Now she watches from behind heavy lashes.
Watching them go to and frow.
(work in progress)
Touching down like a storm
Reaching out she brings destruction.
She spins round and round till she’s dizzy falling down
Coming unglued like heel of her shoe
Broken and bruised she glides across the floor
She’s spinning around like a hurricane
in the dust she goes
in the dust she goes
around and round and round like a hurricane
ripping it all apart
ripping it all apart and she goes round again round again
Here’s my awesome set worn costume worn by Magenia Tovah as zelda and sewn by magali guidasci.
Yes it looks silly, but I love my silk lined sleeping cap. Keeps my hair from getting all tangled amd frizzy when I sleep. Sometimes you just have to stop and giggle at yourself.
If you didn’t already know I am an avid seamstress but also a Sci-Fi nerd at heart. These are some super cute and comfortable full booty coverage Doctor who knickers that I made for myself.
Listen to Exposé by aloneinabox on #SoundCloud
A while back, almost 9 years now, I was playing around with composing emotive piano music on my ipad. I was trying to figure out how to compose emotions with sound… It’s hard to explain but if you listen to the pieces it makes sense. I’m not sure why I stopped as I made a handful of very nices ones, this is one such item. It’s called exposé I would love to hear your comments on it.
Listen to Exposé by aloneinabox on #SoundCloud