Tragicly bueatiful geshia girl

Back at it again…

Found some of my music that’s been lost to myself for 8 plus years.

It’s amazing going back and listening these songs. Each one a iny little audio sensory glimpse into that time and expirence.

Listening to them evokes the emotion of the time it was when it was made… it’s a bit like slaming into a brick wall…. boom the intense emotions I suddenly feel all over again.

At the same time, I now have my feet grounded so I can stop myself, and pull the teather to bring myself back around out of that intensity.

It’s a real trip to hear these and it’s awakened my synethesia, which and of it’s self is a bit disorentiening.

Oh don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining…. infact I’ve been wanting to beable to acess this part of myself I sealed off so long ago.

I just know that I have to do it in careful doses. I have to keep my feet teathered to the floor as my mind wanders. There’s much I want to write and explore but at this moment I think I need to just let myself listen and digest.

In the mean time I’m droping a picture that was on this tresure trove of things discovered and still in the process of being discovered. This (the picture below) was one of my most terible tragic emotinal times in my life and yes this picture I took then is so bueatiful.

Yes it’s of myself but what’s the difference oft hat or using a model to tell a artistic story… the difference was I was my own canvas. I was trying to tell the story then for myself now to understand.

To see the pain, to under stand what was happening to myself then, SO that I could see now so many years later…so that I could see eactly where I crawled out of.

I know as the reader you likely don’t know any of the back story…. or prehaps you do a very few people do..but most likely you have no clue and I’m just some stranger ranting here on a page… and that’s ok too….

I’m not writing for you… I’m writing for myself and I just happen to have this set to public and allow others the invited intrusuion.

So here you go… I present the tragicly bueatiful geshia girl

SO much emotion dripping off the page and I’m glad that the person I was then documented things… this whole adventure is really an acheology dig into the psyche.

To really know ones self you have to dig down and know where you’ve been and how you’ve gotten to the place you are…

anyway… this is what I have to share for today. It’s time to hit publish on my post and turn off the computer. Turn off the music and the visuals and let myself decompress.

Till tomarrow my dear self and whoever may be following along. Enjoy this invited introusion.

It’s so strange to actually be sitting here and typing for once from my computer. YES!!! I actually hooked my desktop back up… Mind you this rendition of my desktop I haven’t used since on about 2015 when I was given one of those hockey puck sized, new fangled computers. In fact quite a bit of my data is still sitting on the dusty tower that I was using prior…. ah but I’m diressing and letting my thoughts wander… so where was I?

Ah yes.. I finally have hooked this desktop up, and while it doesn’t have everything that I’d have loved to have found…it does have a hell of a lot. SO munch infact that as I actually sit here and type and explore the files and things. I find that I have to admit I’m on the presprice of an internal explosion… it’s strange becaUSE THE PERSON THAT I am now is like hey wow it’s an archeology dig.

A reflection on the things past, to understand how I’ve gotten to this place I am now……. and then there’s the me from back then, the one that I haven’t seen in forever that’s just as raw and emotional… it’s a but hard to explain.

It’s a yin yang internal thing going on. I guess you could say “persona” ah.. see even as I’m trying… I’m trying to digest this..to explain and define it, I find myself swirling.

For me it’s all to familar and yet it’s also so strange to feel these emotions after so long… the difference now is that I know this intesisty of swirling emotions is not the normality that the very vast vajority of people expirence… and I say majority because I have been in this emotional discord before and I’ve known others who have felt the same way and struggle to quiet and slow down things…

You seen even as I write this I have to check myself… it’s seductive to really let these emotions flood back in and take me down the river..but I know that I can’t be left to my own devices.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m definetly going to allow myself to explore this but I have to be careful…set up safety nets and let it come a little bit at a time.

Espically as an empath type personality I have to be careful that if I dig and go back to a place when things were chaotic that I don’t let that overwhelm me.

Anyway… I could proably contine sitting here and writing much much more… but this is one of those times that I need to tell myself to stop… take a break let yourself digest everything and then decompress for a bit before coming back and writing all the thoughts and feelings…. please for give this giant ramble and the grammar and puncuations/spelling are Shite but I don’t give a fuck hahahaha…. yup this is me writing down the thoughts as they fly… so take me as I am or get the fuck off my blog. ❤

I really hate people today.

I’m so over the drama and toxic environments.

Like I actively left my fb account and then the one time I log into it to get a phone number for a friend I wanted to check on…its a shit show.

Naturally I’m bombarded with ping, ping msg notifications poping up. A few are you feeling ok txts but then comes the emotional vampires… Just ugh!

Anyway I wanted to vent and get this icky feeling off my skin. Shudder.

I’m going to go vege and watch TV. If you are interested I’m currently binge watching “Elementary” with Johnny Lee Miller and Lucy Liu. I like their charters as I can relate to both in many ways.

Anyway my fellow reader I hope you are having a lovely day. Feel free to leave comments or ask me questions. I’ll answer what I feel comfortable with sharing as long as it’s not creepy, dirty or illegal. LoL. What would you like to know about the person behind the blog?

Mood for the night

Lyrics to fit the mood:


Not habit for anyone ‘cos I’m trying to break your click track heart
Seen a vision of perfect grace airbrushed and lifeless
All contempt and aftertaste, it’s like I’m waiting for the scars to heal

The inner sanctum

A glimpse into the inner sanctum of my creative place. This was before I moved things around and redecorate but you get an idea of my inner core.

I can’t focus

Motivation is gone
I feel empty, alone

I try to to things I enjoy but the follow through of motivation is waning.

I will browse online and pick fabric, for example to make my daughter a dress but when it arrives I just can’t seem to get myself to sit down and start working on it.

It’s not that I don’t want to.. because I really do but I just feel so empty and hallow. Like there’s invisible weights around my neck.

I’m exhausted all the time and in a mental fog but I got 9 hours of sleep last night. It’s strange not sure if I am disassociating again or not as one day bleeds into the next.

Even now thoughts are drifting back and forth….

I want a cup of tea,. My jaw hurts… Ugh ok I think I’m going to go back to sleep.

It’s so strange to get that validation that you so desperately crave.

When you have that, you still question if it’s real or just a construct to knowingly or subconscious. Either way it’s still a drain to take.

Trust is something that always has been hard for me. I want so desperately to have a connection any connection, that I have blindly given it only to be used and hurt in the end for a farce.

In society we have so much that we fake.

The digital personalies, the core, the mother, the friend, the sister, the drunk, the addict, the bipolar, the depressed, the manic, the anorexic, the proud, the stupid, these are all examples of personalites that I have been. Each one has levels and subsets.

Public and private life will splinter you just as each mask you wear takes a chunk of your soul.

Take, take, take

They withdraw on your soul bringing your personal balance down

You attempt in a desperate cycle that you are bound to to enrich your personal balance.

However in the end you still end up drained and alone. I guess the question is how do you really break free. How do you stop letting others define you and truly just be you.

That is the question I am searching for.

The inner adventure to find myself and remove the masks others have projected onto me, and I have agreed to wear unthinkingly.

No more
Break the silence
Break the habit
Break the control.

I wil do things for me amd me only.

Lost in translation

A face I hardly recognize anymore. Chronic pain and illness has changed it not just on the surface leaving redness, scaring, and discoloration, but the internal conflict as well.

Trying to find a balance.

Trying to accept that I am not who or what I once was. Aa cruel joke life has decided I should be host to.

Thoughts swirling….

Decadence on a plate

Raclette cheese melted over baby new potatoes with charcuterie and cornichons

Musings


I know it seems contradictory that I have this page inviting people to look in on my random thoughts and images and yet I have deleted my facebook account because I truly believe that facebook is a toxic ecosystem and facilitates and harbors , bullies, abusers, sociopaths narcissist etc to find and abuse their prey with ease.

What I put forth here is a glimpse into the yin and yang of my thoughts but it is not me it is a persona a mask that I choose to share. A tiny interpretation that I allow you to view. An invited intrusion not a right.

(work in progress)

Take the chalk from your pocket

Draw your sigil at her feet.

She sees all but says nothing, for she cannot,
They cut out her tounge with their words like razorblades against the throat.

Now she watches from behind heavy lashes.

Watching them go to and frow.

(work in progress)

Touching down like a storm
Reaching out she brings destruction.

She spins round and round till she’s dizzy falling down

Coming unglued like heel of her shoe
Broken and bruised she glides across the floor

Spinning
Oh twister

She’s spinning around like a hurricane
in the dust she goes
in the dust she goes
around and round and round like a hurricane

ripping it all apart

ripping it all apart and she goes round again round again

Sleepy time

Sleepy head

Yes it looks silly, but I love my silk lined sleeping cap. Keeps my hair from getting all tangled amd frizzy when I sleep. Sometimes you just have to stop and giggle at yourself.

Bigger on the inside


If you didn’t already know I am an avid seamstress but also a Sci-Fi nerd at heart. These are some super cute and comfortable full booty coverage Doctor who knickers that I made for myself.

Exposé an original song By Moí

Listen to Exposé by aloneinabox on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/4TrBF

A while back, almost 9 years now, I was playing around with composing emotive piano music on my ipad. I was trying to figure out how to compose emotions with sound… It’s hard to explain but if you listen to the pieces it makes sense. I’m not sure why I stopped as I made a handful of very nices ones, this is one such item. It’s called exposé I would love to hear your comments on it.

Listen to Exposé by aloneinabox on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/4TrBF

https://ko-fi.com/darksparkle

Unscrew the wine, she’ll throw a party line
Stories extreme, she’s such a drama queen
Cries through the night, she choked on Marlboro Lites
Pure charm and grace, she hates her pretty face

Post modern sleeze lyrics

Trading on your super waif


You’re so loretta young silks, fashioning your self escape
You’re so loretta young silks, trading on your super waif
All style before content, using me as bait
You’re so loretta young silks, swapping your love for hate

Defeated

So alone
Hiding tears
Painting the smile every day and yet under the surface she’s shredded and torn

Tired of the lies
The rejection

The void
Blackness swirling
Dark abyss
He’s just a black hole sucking her sparkle

Turning on the gaslight
Swallowing her up until she’s a shell unrecognizable of her formerself

Screaming fighting

Holding her hands to the flame to feel something anything

The story behind her eyes

Worn thin lost in a haze. Hazy shadow lingering around like a ghost.


Just a darksparkle orbiting in the sky.
A shell, a ghost lost in the machine along the data stream.


Another Girl lost.
Lost in translation.
Take the words from her mouth.


Twist and turn they’ve got her crawling on the ground.


She wants to break the surface and taste the air in her lungs.
Just like a phoenix rising from ashes she starts another day in a cycle bound by their tethers deep in her soul.


She’s just prey to the hunters and traders. Behind their scope her images they snap and steal.

Hidden away left to be cataloged and banked in their secret data vault.


Each time they take another bits of her soul, leaving her traded like currency.


She’s a sacrifice for the masses.
They’ve broken her down into tiny little bits of data.


Each time they take and she looses little bits of herself on the data stream.


Everyone wants their pound of flesh.
A feast for the masses.
They take their fill and discard the shell on the floor.


She’s just running on fumes.
Empty and alone just a ghost of her formerself lost in the machine.


Tattered and torn, crumpled like torn fabric
Fabric of the web straddling the abyss.


In the darkness she sits balancing her black & white hat crooked hat.
They’ve made sure to have her breathe the gaslight fumes.


She surrenders to the monkey pulling on her strings.
She’s got scissors in her coat.
She’s got to be careful not to run or she’ll get cut up.


Watch the blood fall down, as they take another slice to add to their database of her soul.

I’m amazed she still functions at all
Truly amazed she still feels anything at all.
She’s got Half a life left and no one to call friend.

Apple kit kat

Sucks that there’s only 10 in the package but OMG y’all they actually taste like biting in to a real apple.

Just a little wafu pasta for dinner

Pandora’s dragon

Still one of my favorite paintings that I made. I didn’t intend to paint a dragon.. but it simply morphed into being as I painted the swirl of colors before my eyes.