I did it again, I went down the databack stream that I almost forgot about. There’s got to be something said for how extensively I documented the time when I was fragged. SO many different personas…it’s strange to have these documentations…because they instantly draw me back to that time in space. It’s like a rush, sometimes adrenaline and sometimes depression, sometimes I withdraw and have self loathing.

A part of me hates myself and yet I have to realize that if I hadn’t have experienced the things that I did… I’d probably still be fragged…trying to tie the pieces to geather.

I feel like I’m still holding on for dear life. All the loose strings wrapped around me keeping me in place and yet pulling on me like a puppet.

Learning to jump the wave. The conversation in my head is a game of chess played out internally with rules that are skewed.

The queen is left for dead Jack is all tragic and I’m riding off with the white knight backwards across the board.

A heater for a man stuck in a can

Heater! That’s been stuck in my head. It’s strange how thoughts return to places and take root again. For so long I was angry and then was asked for forgiveness and I gave it blindly. I cared deeply and gave all I could until you decided to flip your switch again, that’s your prerogative after all. Years go by and I reach out again forgiving and giving you a sanctuary in my soul and again you disappeared like a ghost in the shell…and yet still here I am with forgiveness still in my heart…I can’t blame or hate you… because I understand the boy behind the man. I wish we could just be friends and geek out like we once did in a happier time.. but all I can do is move forward. I gave you the map long ago, if you ever need me you know where to find my buried treasure. Perhaps one day we can have dinner again and I’ll make Salmon and Rice pilaf again for you. Time to pull myself out of the haze and wander down another corridor of thoughts.

Perfectly imperfect

New shoes! Now I just need some one to take me out so I can wear them.


Song lyrics/poem in progress

baby you took me spinning around

slap me in the face and then smeared it with paint

you got to take me away you could bring me down all you ever do is slap me in the face with your hands oh baby

Oh baby with your vitamin tear

oh baby with your cadmium tears

I want to lick them up, give myself metal poisoning what a great way to go out

baby oh darling don’t ever a fucking call me that

you’ve got to take me away you got to take me down the face with your oh oh baby slap me slap me slap me again

All you ever do, is just… you bring me bring me bring me bring me bring me down down

stabbing myself in the heart you go stabbing yourself in the neck but this little monster she’s growing she’s coming out , she’llbite your little head off

To be cont.

Below is what I posted on my facebook page.. but I wanted to post here… cause I can be more open and free.. I’m sitting here balling my eyes out. I hadn’t in the year plus it’s been since this beautiful soul left this earth from a drug overdose. The second friend i the last few years to overdose.

I want to write so much but I’m afraid I can’t right now… I’m just to overwhelmed with the emotions coming out .. I need to cry and let this all out.

He was the true embodiment of PLUR Peace love , unity, Respect ❤

Mark Cowhead Dammit… I miss you my friend. I found this picture from when we met…what a strange time that was in my life. Despite your own things, you’re one of the few people who actually sat down with me and helped me get back on my path. Even after that we remained friends. I remember when you came down to visit me in pacifica and I I made us a 6 course Vegetarian spread and we drank wine and talked. You and I going to amanda palmer up in sf and me crying during the performance cause my emotions were high and my synesthesia had just begun to manifest as sound/emotion & you just hugging me and telling me it’s ok let it out if anyone gives you a hard time I”ll box their ears, which was surprising cause you’re not one to say that normally. ❤ I love you and I miss you so much. You’ll always be in my heart and I thank you so much for your friendship and helping put me back on the path of light and love.

Today is One of those days…lazy hazy…Numb

Hazy shadow

Shadow on Windows Windows displayed

Displayed behind my eyes eyes looking right through

Through the door and to the back

Back to start

Start your engines

Surrender to the noise

Noise in your head

The Ferral princess

I think it’s time to do a little bit of cosplay pictures this weekend. I’ll have to see what I can come up with… should be fun. I haven’t picked up the Full frame DSLR in years. Time to get back on the proverbial horse.

I’m totally loving my costume hooded cape from the set of the magicians. Ok I’ll post pictures this weekend. The one below is just a quick shot to show off my awesome cloak.

Blood dragon a look back at one of my #throughglass paintings 7 years prior

I painted this about 7 years ago..one of the few paintings from then in that it deviates from my original style at the time and ended up to be specific object rather than a pure abstract emotive painting. This was a one of 2 dragons painted during that time. “Pandora’s dragon”was the other.. but that’s for a different post.

The video below of me painting it was taken while I was wearing my Google Glass to record The video in and of itself is an interesting artistic creation at least for myself to watch. I can understand it might be boring to others.

Anyway enjoy if that’s your thing watch & follow the link below if you would like to see the video:


Rotflmao I conceed. White flag! Elvish eye frames ala Google

I learned a new slang word for big glasses amidst an unintentional quarrel. In america we call ’em “coke bottles” as a insult but apparently across the pond I’m wearing “bins” I agree they’re a bit large but Chez post modern & not at all elvish, what’s elvish Frames look like?

Apparently this is what Google images showed me as their top results.

how to inadvertently piss off a elf king & then try to apologize

Well apparently I had one of my moments where I tweeted my opinion and didn’t put on the social filter.

Sorry I would have said the same thing to my best mate if they were wearing the same thing and I wanted them to know how I thought they’d look better without. I do tend to have dry sense of humor but hey again to each their own.

Sorry if they felt insulted but it wasn’t my intention.. I think they have a lovely face and have enjoyed watching them acting. Never thought they’d respond and I apologize for my blunt delivery, truly I meant no insult I just don’t like that style glasses of in general.

Do what makes you happy and if you like those frames go for it but I don’t. Same with my (Giant somewhat ridiculous) looking frames you’re welcome to like them or not.

My apologies to the person and as a show of good faith I’m removed the original tweet. I hope you have a lovely day can’t wait to see your upcoming episodes of acting in your show.

Time off

Taking a few days off… overwhelmed with some things around me… don’t worry I’m fine. Just need to decompress.

More of the Invited intrusion project with the original written stories & mymusings on digital theft of artists

AS I stated in my post yesterday.. the original invited intrusion project had prose/stories to go with the pictures, and were published in a hard cover coffee table flip through book for just a a few close people. Nothing large in fact it was small 6×8 if I remember correctly. Anyway I found the original files.. again I don’t want to share everything as I’ve not decided what I want to do with them. Also there’s the fact that everyone thinks it’s ok to repost and borrow and steal images from the web. Just because I share and post something somewhere doesn’t give you the right to repost and use my copyrighted work without my express permission. I have had my work stolen, copied and even sold without my consent, and I haven’t I seen a penny from these stolen and copied works.

Everyone tells me oh but it’s exposure.. your work is getting out there. I’m sorry but no… these are my creations.. and often times that inspiration to create has come from a very private and often very painful place within myself… so no… you need to respect the original artist… this is kind of why I’m a little bit drawn to the ideas of NFT’s but at the same time it’s also ridiculous… idk… I am definitely mixed on this subject… what do you think? SHall I get on one of the sites and release the collection??? WOuld you buy one like the piece below? WOuld you buy a tiny bit of my soul..for yes all my creations have bits of me in them.

This is one of the original images with it’s story to go alongside. Many of these also ended up becoming song lyrics to music that I made. I had hoped to make a audio and visual installment.. but since the background music, the songs I sang against established artists I can’t can’t publish for profit without permission and well it’s going to be next to impossible to get permission.. and then there’s the whole fact that I’m a hypocrite.. I just sat there bitching about someone using my work.. and yet for my music I did the same thing.. I reworked someone else’s music with my own vocals and changed the work completely.. when does it become a new piece of work.. how much do you have to change to call it “new” to be able to call it your own now and not stolen?

Anyway.. I’m rambling and my thoughts are a bit disjointed. It’s been a morning from hell and I’m utterly and completely lost in my thoughts…and I need to stop this and get off the computer. The excavation of these old files has taken it’s toll on me I’m afraid. The difference between now and when I created these art pieces previously.. is I would just continue to spiral and become more and more overwhelmed until i both imploded and exploded on everything around me… so to avoid getting to that point.. I’m going to go make a cup of tea and take a nap. I need to let the neural pathways that are waking up have a rest. I’m happy to get some of these pathways back.. because I miss the creative bursts…but I also can’t do it all at once. So my dear lovely reader.. I hope you enjoy my ramblings as I explore my own head. I would definitely LOVE to know what you this of this particular art work below? I know you’re dying for the back story… ah perhaps soon I’ll dive into the that very very complex story. For now Let me know what this image evokes and speaks to you. ❤

Invited intrusion, remember to breathe.

I said yes, then I said no.

Invited intrusion it goes in either direction.

A Brief glimpse into the original Invited Intrusion visual project

Digging and finding files stashed on hard-drives, the cloud, usb sticks and the like. These images are from a project that I thought I’d lost the original files to. While I am the subject matter of some not all of this project are of myself.. there’s some pretty amazing files I have and will share with you at a later date. For now I felt like sharing these ones. I still have the written prose/stories that goes with each..but these are some of the personas that I was and explored in as around mid to late 2000. I was exploring the ideas of “masks, alternate personalities and personas” All of these are parts of a whole but when you pull then apart they are each unique and fully formed representations. You have to really look beyond the surface of the images as there’s subtle things layered and blended in…all these subtle and not so subtle images and the emotions they evoke make up the overall image but the moment you take off one layer the image will change. Now with the idea of NFT’s I’m wondering if I should “re-publish” this collection… and sale myself into the digital nether world.. hmm.. something to to stop and think about. I need more info on nft’s and I have to really decide if I’m willing to sale myself… For now I’m sharing thes… I reserve all copy rights so please don’t steal my work.

The intruder in my life

I am an intruder in my own life.

The writer and the archaeologist.

Digging in and discecting the clues that I left for myself

Unbenonst to my self as I was falling , spiriling down out of controll for some reason I was documenting.

Witing my story for my self later to have a conversation with myself.

Skin,paper, sonic, visuals, harmonic… I used all to talk to myself.

The emotions tucked into each… I’m still unearthing levels and layers of each…. The emotions and fears, hopes and joys that the peson that I was then documented.

Taking the pesron that I am now and trying to draw the lines between the two…

How did I get from the one chaotic persona to this calma and compatmentalized person that I am, in my day to day life now.

Both are still who I am, and still inside me.

Thoughts swirling blending but I’m here observing.

Something I’ve started doing again that I haven’t done in a while is Swaying as I write. It’s actually intresting to watch.. I didn’t realize I would do it until oh so many years ago… a friend recoreded me whoile I was sitting in a coffee shop working on my then poetry Book that I published and then pulled.

As I’ve mentioned I “feel music” not like I just bop along to it but I EMOTIONALLY feel it.. music and espically a good violin can make me weep without my consent.

I would guess that the rocking of my body would make sencse and I tie the beat of the music along with my thoughts and the words as I tie.. I think that is serves as a middle to the action.. music in my eas via the headphones and hte rocking helps to ground me me tie the theoughst back as my body types them back out. I think it’s a form of “stimm” like a sensory seeking peron needs a fidget to keep them focused I thing I do that with the foot tapping and body swaying.

Someone one told me I should try drumming.. but nope.. it doesn’t work unless I’m typing and I have music that I can express with my typings/swaying. HA!

Well I’ve gone off on a complete tangent here….I thik it’s time to wrap this up and get some laundry started. Real off line life beckons. Catch ya later!

Origins of the Geek gril uncovered

Before I was a postmodern tease, I was just a geek girl

So I’m still uncovering things… the progress is slow as I have to carefully monitor my time and assess the emotions that are brought up as I pour over these images, music, musings, and written documentary of traumatic events during that time period.

I was pleasantly surprised to unearth this picture. This is the 16 year old me. This was my freshman year of highschool. The funny things is I can remember that exact day.. I can tell you where I was sitting and who took the picture and what’s in my hand/lap. It’s very strange to have such memory/emotional recall…. and that’s something that I’ve realized that I ‘ve had all my life. It’s a stem of the symentesia of sorts… and a part of why for so long I was full of chaos, swirling emotions, disjointed thoughts.

For now I think I’m going to withhold the back story of this picture. Instead I’m just going to publish it here for myself. I’m going to enjoy the pure joy radiating off my face and not go down to the deeper rabbit hole from this particular day…. I know cryptic as you the reader has no idea of what I’m talking about.. but again this is my adventure not yours. SO, for my own self sanity… I’m going to publish this and perhaps I’ll touch down on it another day.. fo right now I’m just going to enjoy the happiness and remember what my real life avatar was before I because the person that I am in the here and now.

Chamomile and my green thumb

Tragicly bueatiful geshia girl

Back at it again…

Found some of my music that’s been lost to myself for 8 plus years.

It’s amazing going back and listening these songs. Each one a iny little audio sensory glimpse into that time and expirence.

Listening to them evokes the emotion of the time it was when it was made… it’s a bit like slaming into a brick wall…. boom the intense emotions I suddenly feel all over again.

At the same time, I now have my feet grounded so I can stop myself, and pull the teather to bring myself back around out of that intensity.

It’s a real trip to hear these and it’s awakened my synethesia, which and of it’s self is a bit disorentiening.

Oh don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining…. infact I’ve been wanting to beable to acess this part of myself I sealed off so long ago.

I just know that I have to do it in careful doses. I have to keep my feet teathered to the floor as my mind wanders. There’s much I want to write and explore but at this moment I think I need to just let myself listen and digest.

In the mean time I’m droping a picture that was on this tresure trove of things discovered and still in the process of being discovered. This (the picture below) was one of my most terible tragic emotinal times in my life and yes this picture I took then is so bueatiful.

Yes it’s of myself but what’s the difference oft hat or using a model to tell a artistic story… the difference was I was my own canvas. I was trying to tell the story then for myself now to understand.

To see the pain, to under stand what was happening to myself then, SO that I could see now so many years later…so that I could see eactly where I crawled out of.

I know as the reader you likely don’t know any of the back story…. or prehaps you do a very few people do..but most likely you have no clue and I’m just some stranger ranting here on a page… and that’s ok too….

I’m not writing for you… I’m writing for myself and I just happen to have this set to public and allow others the invited intrusuion.

So here you go… I present the tragicly bueatiful geshia girl

SO much emotion dripping off the page and I’m glad that the person I was then documented things… this whole adventure is really an acheology dig into the psyche.

To really know ones self you have to dig down and know where you’ve been and how you’ve gotten to the place you are…

anyway… this is what I have to share for today. It’s time to hit publish on my post and turn off the computer. Turn off the music and the visuals and let myself decompress.

Till tomarrow my dear self and whoever may be following along. Enjoy this invited introusion.

It’s so strange to actually be sitting here and typing for once from my computer. YES!!! I actually hooked my desktop back up… Mind you this rendition of my desktop I haven’t used since on about 2015 when I was given one of those hockey puck sized, new fangled computers. In fact quite a bit of my data is still sitting on the dusty tower that I was using prior…. ah but I’m diressing and letting my thoughts wander… so where was I?

Ah yes.. I finally have hooked this desktop up, and while it doesn’t have everything that I’d have loved to have found…it does have a hell of a lot. SO munch infact that as I actually sit here and type and explore the files and things. I find that I have to admit I’m on the presprice of an internal explosion… it’s strange becaUSE THE PERSON THAT I am now is like hey wow it’s an archeology dig.

A reflection on the things past, to understand how I’ve gotten to this place I am now……. and then there’s the me from back then, the one that I haven’t seen in forever that’s just as raw and emotional… it’s a but hard to explain.

It’s a yin yang internal thing going on. I guess you could say “persona” ah.. see even as I’m trying… I’m trying to digest this..to explain and define it, I find myself swirling.

For me it’s all to familar and yet it’s also so strange to feel these emotions after so long… the difference now is that I know this intesisty of swirling emotions is not the normality that the very vast vajority of people expirence… and I say majority because I have been in this emotional discord before and I’ve known others who have felt the same way and struggle to quiet and slow down things…

You seen even as I write this I have to check myself… it’s seductive to really let these emotions flood back in and take me down the river..but I know that I can’t be left to my own devices.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m definetly going to allow myself to explore this but I have to be careful…set up safety nets and let it come a little bit at a time.

Espically as an empath type personality I have to be careful that if I dig and go back to a place when things were chaotic that I don’t let that overwhelm me.

Anyway… I could proably contine sitting here and writing much much more… but this is one of those times that I need to tell myself to stop… take a break let yourself digest everything and then decompress for a bit before coming back and writing all the thoughts and feelings…. please for give this giant ramble and the grammar and puncuations/spelling are Shite but I don’t give a fuck hahahaha…. yup this is me writing down the thoughts as they fly… so take me as I am or get the fuck off my blog. ❤