It’s so strange to actually be sitting here and typing for once from my computer. YES!!! I actually hooked my desktop back up… Mind you this rendition of my desktop I haven’t used since on about 2015 when I was given one of those hockey puck sized, new fangled computers. In fact quite a bit of my data is still sitting on the dusty tower that I was using prior…. ah but I’m diressing and letting my thoughts wander… so where was I?
Ah yes.. I finally have hooked this desktop up, and while it doesn’t have everything that I’d have loved to have found…it does have a hell of a lot. SO munch infact that as I actually sit here and type and explore the files and things. I find that I have to admit I’m on the presprice of an internal explosion… it’s strange becaUSE THE PERSON THAT I am now is like hey wow it’s an archeology dig.
A reflection on the things past, to understand how I’ve gotten to this place I am now……. and then there’s the me from back then, the one that I haven’t seen in forever that’s just as raw and emotional… it’s a but hard to explain.
It’s a yin yang internal thing going on. I guess you could say “persona” ah.. see even as I’m trying… I’m trying to digest this..to explain and define it, I find myself swirling.
For me it’s all to familar and yet it’s also so strange to feel these emotions after so long… the difference now is that I know this intesisty of swirling emotions is not the normality that the very vast vajority of people expirence… and I say majority because I have been in this emotional discord before and I’ve known others who have felt the same way and struggle to quiet and slow down things…
You seen even as I write this I have to check myself… it’s seductive to really let these emotions flood back in and take me down the river..but I know that I can’t be left to my own devices.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m definetly going to allow myself to explore this but I have to be careful…set up safety nets and let it come a little bit at a time.
Espically as an empath type personality I have to be careful that if I dig and go back to a place when things were chaotic that I don’t let that overwhelm me.
Anyway… I could proably contine sitting here and writing much much more… but this is one of those times that I need to tell myself to stop… take a break let yourself digest everything and then decompress for a bit before coming back and writing all the thoughts and feelings…. please for give this giant ramble and the grammar and puncuations/spelling are Shite but I don’t give a fuck hahahaha…. yup this is me writing down the thoughts as they fly… so take me as I am or get the fuck off my blog. ❤